Reign, which should really be called "Anthropologie hosts a 16th century-themed prom at Coachella."

First things first:  the fashions on this show are ridiculous and amazing and you're damn right I'm going to be talking about them.  One thing they are not, however: within spitting distance of historical accuracy, much like the show itself.

Second: how on EARTH do you pronounce Coachella?  Co-AH-chella?  Coach- ella?  How many syllables are there?  Do I even need to know?  (For the record, my brain always says Co-AH-chella, which is probably wrong).

Anyway, Reign is CW's attempt to capitalize on Game of Thrones' popularity, only with actors who look like they've showered in the last decade and based on the real Mary, Queen of Scots.  However, it appears just about the only thing they are keeping from actual history are the names, and they've jettisoned most of those too.

Now, a note: I am a historian* but definitely not of this era, and considering the massive liberties they are taking with this story I really can't tell you what happened and what didn't (although I'm fairly certain Francis did not spend some time hunting a woodland demon, which is a thing that happens in this show.)  However, I do know the big stuff, that being: Mary did marry Francis, the crown prince of France, but he died shortly after their marriage.  His mother, Catherine de Medici, maybe/possibly/almost certainly ordered the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, during which most of France's Protestant leaders were murdered AT HER OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, which sparked days of Catholic violence against French Protestants and a death toll of some 10,000, and was overall a rather terrifying and badass Queen Regent.**  After Francis' death, Mary left France and returned to Scotland where she married a series of good-for-nothing drunks and was arrested by England for plotting to overthrow her cousin, Elizabeth I of England, and spent her house arrest continuing those plots.  Eventually, Elizabeth had to be all "Dammit, Mary, could you stop trying to overthrow me for, like, ONE SECOND?" and Mary was all "LOL, no" and then Elizabeth had her beheaded.***

*It's "a" historian not "an" historian and anyone who tells you otherwise is a pretentious asshole.
** Catherine de Medici: a real life Tywin Lannister, only way more hardcore.
*** Exact dialogue between these two 16th century monarchs has been painstakingly replicated here.




Mary, Queen of Scots and Owner of the Prettiest Dresses:

I could do without the flower crowns, though.

Mary, in addition to being very pretty and having a really great closet, if you want to spend all your time in pseudo-16th century prom dresses (which is how I dress whenever I'm not in sweatpants, clearly), has the very difficult task of learning to rule a country she really hasn't lived in much.  She spent most of her formative years in a convent in France (at least she does on the show, I don't know if that's true in real life) and when the show starts she has to navigate both an impending marriage and countless threats on her life, some of them coming from her own future in-laws.  She also has four of her closest girl friends to keep her company, and there's a really great scene in the pilot where they run around getting ready for a ball, trying on clothes and doing make up and generally being silly, and I love it because it's easy for us to forget that people haven't really changed much over the centuries and teenage girls have ALWAYS been kind of giggly like that.  Oh, and there's a love triangle involving her, Francis, and Francis' half brother, but honestly it's super boring so I'm going to pretend it never even happened.


Francis, Dauphin of France and Owner of the Punchable-est Face:

 Smarm is thy middle name, Francis.

Sorry Francis, but to paraphrase my beloved Jean-Ralphio of Parks and Rec, you are the WOOOOOORST.  He's whiny, entitled (which makes sense, being the heir to the French throne), and throws temper tantrums whenever Mary asserts her independence, which is like 3 times per episode because Mary is awesome like that and deserves way better.  I can't quite tell what the show is doing with him: sometimes it seems like they are deliberately making him kind-of-shitty so his inevitable death isn't so bad, and sometimes it seems like the show is going for "he is Mary's truest love" and I find it all very confusing, but mostly I just hate him.


Sebastian "Bash" Bastard-of-the-king, Owner of the Fourth Most Ridiculous Name On This Show:

He also has the boyband-iest hair.

Seriously, his name is fucking BASH, and everyone has to say it with a straight face.  Bash, in the SIXTEENTH CENTURY.  That right there tells you what this show is about, and that is: not really giving a shit about historical accuracy in the slightest.  Bash is kind of dull, but he does win points for not getting mad at Mary any time she displays her Independent Woman side, so that right there puts him worlds ahead of Francis in my book.  There's a rather unexpected twist toward the end of the season regarding Bash, and I actually really, really like the direction they are taking things so for now, I am on board with Bash.  But not his name.  Never his name.  THIS IS SIXTEENTH CENTURY FRANCE NOT GREY'S ANATOMY.


Henry, King of France and Owner of the Creepiest Personality:

This is not the face of a man with a good grasp of "priorities."

King Henry is a scuzzball with rage issues and serious delusions, and that's really all that needs to be said about him.  Except for the fact that in the rare moments he does team up with his wife Catherine--whenever they aren't trying to kill each other, which is how they spend most of their time-- he is really quite funny.  But mostly he sucks.


Catherine de Medici, Queen of France and Owner of the "OMG IT'S ANNE SHIRLEY!" Award, the most important award ever given.

If you live under a rock: the actress playing Catherine was Anne Shirley in the
*definitive* adaptation of Anne of Green Gables, which is definitely only one movie
because those other two are terrible and never happened.  She's wonderful, and no one else will ever be Anne in my imagination.  That guy is also the perfect Gilbert, btw.  In case you're wondering.

See?  Anne/Catherine does *not* have time for your shit.

Once you get over the shock of our beloved Anne Shirley playing a vicious, conniving, murdering queen, Catherine is the best damn part of the show.  She hates Mary mostly because Nostradamus had a vision that Mary would cause Francis' death (uh...we'll get to that Nostradamus subplot in a minute) and spends considerable amounts of time plotting either Mary's death or Henry's (and sometime's Bash's), depending on who has pissed her off more at the moment.  She's quick-witted and ruthless, but fiercely intelligent and a complete force of nature.  Catherine also represents the element of the show that surprised me the most: at it's core, it's a very feminist show.  Catherine and Mary are portrayed as major political forces; they frequently butt heads over issues of state, and Catherine shows Mary how to skirt the inherent limitations on women's power in the 16th century.  These women are shown as incredibly patriotic (on Mary's part) and incredibly intelligent (on Catherine's part) and it is really quite wonderful.  Catherine is manipulative, but she also grasps the terrible realities of ruling a country and holding the throne far better than Mary, who tends to be rather naive.  In one episode late in the season, Catherine has  several of Mary's loyal followers killed (mostly to teach her a lesson, because Catherine believes all lessons are best served dripping with the blood of the innocent because she is TERRIFYING) and when Mary confronts her, Catherine responds, "Welcome to being queen, Mary.  Men will trust you and die.  These were the first. They won't be the last.  It will go on and on until you die, because that's the way it works."  She delivers these lines like a stern teacher explaining why a student got a C- on their paper, and it is a devastatingly effective scene. Quite frankly, Catherine is the best.


Nostradamus, Owner of the Worst Plots This Show Has:

Oh, go play a banjo or something, you Mumford & Sons reject.

Nostradamus encompasses all the weird, demon-y subplots of the show, like the castle ghost/monster, the demon/monster in the woods (they're big on monsters, this show), the maybe-cannibal pagans in the woods, and the constant prophecies of Francis' death being caused by Mary, which are only necessary because otherwise Catherine would have no good reason to hate Mary.  I hate all these subplots, the end.  MOVING ON.



Greer, Lola, Kenna, and Aylee, Owners of the Fifth, Third, Second, and First Most Ridiculous Names on This Show, Respectively:

Here we have Kenna, Lola, Aylee and Greer
waiting patiently for tickets to Lorde's new tour.

I'm lumping these ladies all together for brevity's sake.  They are Mary's companions/ladies in waiting and they mostly hang around the castle, looking for husbands.  Aylee's name sounds like a high pitched sneeze and she's boring.  Kenna is the "slutty" one, but she's also an interesting exploration of perceptions of female sexuality and desire in the 16th century.  Lola is...around, I suppose, although she gets more interesting later in the season when she finds herself in desperate need of a shotgun marriage.  Greer is in love with Leith, a kitchen boy who is basically Peeta Mellark with two legs and a 16th century outfit.  Now that you know who these ladies are, let's tackle their names and their clothes.  Their clothes, are, as I said before, wonderfully divine and fearfully anachronistic.  I love the fabrics they use, and they costume the girls very well, with buttoned-up Greer and shy Aylee having the most conservative clothes, and Kenna swanning around in bustiers and sheer fabrics.  I generally hate their weird headbands and flower crowns though, because ugh, hipsters.

But finally:  WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE THESE NAMES?  THESE ARE NOT SIXTEENTH CENTURY NAMES, NOT EVEN CLOSE.  In reality, Mary's companions were all named Mary (I think, which means I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere but I'm too lazy to look it up), and even if they weren't, here are a list of 16th century women's names: Mary, Katherine, Elizabeth, Anne, Jane.  End of list.  Super creative at naming, the 16th century was NOT.  Seriously, these are not the names of Renaissance ladies-in-waiting, they are the names of your high school's 2017 Varsity Cheerleadering Squad.  AYLEE?  WHAT IS THAT?  Lola is at least a name, and I guess Kenna sounds vaguely Scottish, but that's only if you're an American with zero understanding of what actual Scottish names sound like.  Greer is the least ridiculous just because when I was little our neighbor's daughter was named Greer and she taught me gymnastics, so I have an odd fondness for the name.  (It's still fucking ludicrous in this context, though.)  But despite all of this nonsense, Reign manages to be incredibly stupid and really really good, all at once.

Verdict: Perfectly Awesome.