The 100: Currently The Best Show on TV

Yeah, you’re probably not watching it, and that’s a shame, because you know what?  Our long-awaited heir to the mantle of “Sci Fi Show That Asks Good Questions About Humanity” previously belonging to LOST and Battlestar Galatica has arrived.

But you probably aren’t watching it because it’s on the CW, and everyone knows that only girls ages 10-17 watch that channel.*  But if you can put aside your prejudice—and let’s remember that our culture reserves an absolutely obscene amount of totally unwarranted derision for “things teenage girls like” but that’s for another post—trust me, it’s worth it.  Now, it’s not without it’s flaws.  In fact, if after reading this you only watch the pilot, I fully expect you to show up on my doorstep with sad puppy dog eyes, asking “How could you?”  (The pilot is garbage, is what I’m saying.)  The pilot was so clearly pitched towards what people think the primary audience of the CW should be that it stumbles out of the gate.  But stick with it—the second episode is leaps and bounds better than the first, and by the fourth episode, it’s phenomenal.

*If you avoid the CW solely because of this idea, you’re missing out my friend.  It really airs a lot of quality TV that is also entertaining.  Arrow, Reign, and The 100 are all shows that are defying the “CW Is for Idiot Girls” stereotype that is in and of itself problematic. 

Reign, which should really be called "Anthropologie hosts a 16th century-themed prom at Coachella."

First things first:  the fashions on this show are ridiculous and amazing and you're damn right I'm going to be talking about them.  One thing they are not, however: within spitting distance of historical accuracy, much like the show itself.

Second: how on EARTH do you pronounce Coachella?  Co-AH-chella?  Coach- ella?  How many syllables are there?  Do I even need to know?  (For the record, my brain always says Co-AH-chella, which is probably wrong).

Anyway, Reign is CW's attempt to capitalize on Game of Thrones' popularity, only with actors who look like they've showered in the last decade and based on the real Mary, Queen of Scots.  However, it appears just about the only thing they are keeping from actual history are the names, and they've jettisoned most of those too.

Now, a note: I am a historian* but definitely not of this era, and considering the massive liberties they are taking with this story I really can't tell you what happened and what didn't (although I'm fairly certain Francis did not spend some time hunting a woodland demon, which is a thing that happens in this show.)  However, I do know the big stuff, that being: Mary did marry Francis, the crown prince of France, but he died shortly after their marriage.  His mother, Catherine de Medici, maybe/possibly/almost certainly ordered the St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre, during which most of France's Protestant leaders were murdered AT HER OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, which sparked days of Catholic violence against French Protestants and a death toll of some 10,000, and was overall a rather terrifying and badass Queen Regent.**  After Francis' death, Mary left France and returned to Scotland where she married a series of good-for-nothing drunks and was arrested by England for plotting to overthrow her cousin, Elizabeth I of England, and spent her house arrest continuing those plots.  Eventually, Elizabeth had to be all "Dammit, Mary, could you stop trying to overthrow me for, like, ONE SECOND?" and Mary was all "LOL, no" and then Elizabeth had her beheaded.***

*It's "a" historian not "an" historian and anyone who tells you otherwise is a pretentious asshole.
** Catherine de Medici: a real life Tywin Lannister, only way more hardcore.
*** Exact dialogue between these two 16th century monarchs has been painstakingly replicated here.

Friday Night Lights: In Which I Jump on the Bandwagon Eight Years Too Late

Friday Night Lights is a show that is universally beloved and criminally underwatched.  I should know-- I'm one of those people who didn't watch it until very recently, through the magic of a major Netflix binge.  And it really is one of the most thoughtful shows I've ever seen.

Home Alone: Rather Different When You're the Grownup

Home Alone came out in 1990, meaning I was five-almost-six, aka the perfect age to see it.  The other day, I watched Home Alone for the first time in years, and definitely for the first time as an adult.  It still holds up, although my perspective has shifted a bit.



15 Things I noticed watching Home Alone as an adult:

1) I vaguely remember my parents not loving this movie because of all the back-talk from the kids.  As an adult, I can confidently say HOLY SHIT THOSE KIDS ARE RUDE.

2) Kevin's dad is astonishingly incompetent as a person, much less a parent.  (Can he do ANYTHING without his wife telling him too?  It doesn't appear so).

3) You know that part where Kevin is being sent to bed in the attic, and he tries a last-ditch apology to his mom?  I remember thinking, "Wow, his mom is SO MEAN she didn't even accept his apology" and now I'm like, "YEAH NICE TRY YOU LITTLE BRAT GO TO BED."

4) "Look what you did, you little jerk," is still part of my lexicon, complete with Uncle Frank's inflection.

5)  Uncle Frank is a jackass.

7) Also, Buzz and the rest of the siblings are spectacularly awful.  No wonder Kevin hates his family.

8) Kevin is no innocent in this.  I'd probably leave him behind too.

9) What family dresses their daughters in DRESSES AND TIGHTS for a transatlantic flight?  They're going to be on a plane for 9+ hours, they don't need to look nice.  They need to be able to pee without adult assistance.

10)  Even if Kevin is the youngest, those kids are too young to be sitting by themselves in coach with their parents in first class.  That's a dick move, Mr. and Mrs. McCallister.  Everyone else on the plane officially hates you.

11) I never understood why they were trying to get EVERYONE on a flight back to Chicago.  Clearly, it would be easier to just find ONE seat, not fifteen.  This isn't exactly a Gordian knot, McCallisters.

12)  There's an article on the internet by a doctor detailing all the injuries Kevin inflicts upon the Wet Bandits.  It really makes the movie take a different tone when you realize it's actually about an eight year old who tortures two grown men to death.

13) John Candy's midwest accent is a thing of perfection.  Give me two beers and put me in a room with a bunch of my high school friends and that's exactly how I sound.

14) And Sheboygan, WI is EXACTLY where you'd sell 700 copies of a polka album.

15)  I like that Old Man Marley rescues Kevin-- from two grown men who are trying to BITE OFF HIS FINGER-- and then he doesn't even check to see if Kevin's parents are home.  I don't know about you, but even as a recluse if I rescued an eight year old from that sort of trauma I'd probably want to talk to his mom for a second.


BONUS: That's still the definitive version of Carol of the Bells in my head.  And the music still means Christmas to me.  Well played, John Williams.  Well played.

Sons of Anarchy: Biker Shakespeare

If you've ever wanted to see Shakespeare with a side of motorcycles and excessive violence, boy oh boy do I have the show for you.  Sons of Anarchy follows the adventures of a motorcycle gang (excuse me, motorcycle "club") in North-Central California, but it's also so much more than that.  It's about family and secrets and politics and a little bit about a monarchy but I'll get to that.  Also, lots of hugging.  So. Much. Hugging.  More hugging than you can possibly believe.  Apparently, bikers are big on hugs and it's adorable.

A note: I'm only through the fifth season, and the sixth season is currently airing.  But don't worry about spoilers, because I'll keep this review confined to the characters and just a little bit of the first season.

Sleepy Hollow: Bonkers and loving it.

Sleepy Hollow is the most delightfully insane TV show I've ever seen, hands down.  Instead of being a boring novel I probably didn't read* when it was assigned to me, it's about time travel and the apocalypse and Ichabod Crane looking like he's on the cover of a romance novel. (The actual plot: Revolutionary War hero Ichabod Crane comes back to life in the present day to stop the apocalypse and solve crimes.  I told you it was bonkers).

*Early American lit just isn't my thing, y'all.  It's BAD.

(Lost + Zombies) - Smoke Monster= The Walking Dead

Literally, that's The Walking Dead in a nutshell. It's Lost without the smoke monster, and instead of the Others there's zombies.  But it's a similar tale of survival-at-any-cost with a group of total fucking morons.