The Tudors really did have potential, so it makes me a little sad that it ended up being SO GODDAMN BORING. Henry VIII is a fascinating character: brilliant, magnetic, and completely fucking unhinged by the end of his life. He had six different wives, two of whom he divorced and two he EXECUTED so he could marry someone else (something I teach my students courtesy of Schoolhouse Rock: the order goes "divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived." Also, they were all named Anne, Katherine, or Jane. He had a type, and that type was rhyming symmetry). This is history at its most lurid, and is probably why approximately 80% of historical fiction centers around the Tudor court (the other 20%, of course, being about Cleopatra). So, I ask you, why would you take a story like this and then spend most of your time focusing on the creation of the Church of England? That is history at its worst: middle aged men sitting around, debating religion. SNORE.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet your king-with-a-tenuous-grasp-on-reality, Henry VIII:
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| To me, he'll always be the hot coach from Bend It Like Beckham |
So, I'm torn about this. On the one hand, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers did a good job capturing Henry's volatile side-- the side that is incredibly entitled and ill-equipped to deal with setbacks and disappointments. On the other hand, you never really understand *why* people find him so magnetic, other than the fact that he's the king and king=power. While that might be true to some extent, by all accounts Henry (especially in his early years) was charming, clever, and ridiculously smart, none of which is very apparent in the show. Mostly, you just see his annoying side and not enough of his *good* side, such as it was. Plus, there's the minor fact that Henry was very physically imposing-- and when he was young, he was more Clay Matthews than Gilbert Brown-- but Rhys-Meyers is a teensy little Irish sprite. They try to hide this with really big, padded costumes, but mostly he just looks like a kid in his dad's clothes.
This is Katherine of Aragon, not Katherine of Aragorn, which would make her queen of Gondor.
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| Hi Mrs. Bates! You're a lot nicer in this than you are in Downton Abbey. |
Poor, neglected Katherine of Aragon. She's a sweet, religious lady pushed aside for a new piece of tail, and it's hard to watch. Plus, her daughter is the surprisingly delightful Mary (pre-transformation into crazy, vengeful, Bloody Mary) whose steely spine and cleverness show just how crafty the Tudors can be.
Anne Boleyn, while she still has her head.
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| I don't know why her face is so crooked. |
Anne Bolyen is a tricky character. Play her as too seductive and she becomes nothing more than a tease, play her as too cunning and she becomes unlikeable. I was only so-so on this Anne when she was on the show, but seeing as how all the life went out of the show once she was dead, I think she was more valuable than I'd realized. Once she was gone, the show went from mostly trashy-fun to a non-stop lecture on religion, torture, and the dangers of absolute monarchy with the occasional stopover in joyless, creepy sex. NOT FUN. The biggest problem with her death is that without her, there is a dearth of compelling female characters. Rome, a similar historical epic that plays fast and loose with the facts (and also boobs) has a several interesting, scheming, well-rounded women, but all the women in The Tudors (save Anne) are pawns. Now, women were definitely used as pawns, but that doesn't mean they weren't, you know, people with hopes, dreams, and PLANS. Given the, uh, temporary nature of Henry's wives, it would have been better if they'd created a female character to serve as a foil for Henry-- or at the very least, be a major character who is not a guy.
Sir Thomas More
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| zzzzzz....I'm sorry, just looking at him made me lapse into a coma. |
I should care more about him, since he's so noble and all, but he represents the worst part of this show: endless scenes about the Reformation. The break from the Vatican is a very interesting topic, but whenever they started going on about it I totally zoned out. And then when they were done being boring, they had to go and be horrific and show scenes of torture, which I can NOT deal with. So: no.
Princess Margaret
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| Tanning: apparently it was a thing in 16th century England. |
Princess Margaret (Henry's sister) here is kind of the worst. It's not that her character is unlikeable (although she is) or that she's dumb (that too) it's that she's SO HISTORICALLY INACCURATE IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW THINGS. First of all, that tan. Did I miss something and she actually had a part-time job as a field hand? No? THEN SHE SHOULDN'T BE SO FREAKING TAN. Secondly, why did they pick an actress who appears to be pushing 40 to play a young princess? I'm all for Hollywood breaking out of its "people in their mid-twenties playing teenagers and people in their early thirties playing their parents" rut, but this was just so distracting. Lastly, she throws a temper tantrum when she has to marry a gross old man (the king of Portugal, I think). Now, there's a lot of problems with medieval and early modern marriages, chiefly the fact that wealthy and noble women were treated like cattle and sold to the highest bidder who was usually a man old enough to be her father. It's disgusting, but it was a fact of life back then, so Margaret's resistance seemed...out of place. She probably wouldn't have been happy about it, but it wouldn't have been a surprise, nor would she have thrown public tantrums about it. In general, I'm okay with historical inaccuracies (hello, 300 is one of my favorite movies), but only if there's no attempt to be accurate at all. If you want to be a faithful history, BE a faithful history. Don't half-ass it, like this show did.
Princess Margaret brings me to the symbol of what this show could have been: Charles Brandon.
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| This photo was too hilariously slutty not to use. C.B, if you aren't careful you're gonna get the syph. |
Charles Brandon represents everything good and bad about this show. At the beginning, he's a devilishly handsome cad and naked pretty much all the time. He's The Tudors at its absolute trashiest, and thus at its most fun. He has an initially interesting but ultimately boring fling with Princess Margaret, complete with elopement, and then...nothing. She dies, he remarries a sweet girl, and tries to "redeem himself" and then I don't remember what happens, because I just fell asleep writing this. I'm pretty sure there's an estrangement with his second wife, and in a last ditch effort to make him interesting again he has an affair with a French woman disguised as a soldier, but it's too little, too late. Reformed bad boys can be an excellent avenue to pursue, but they have to retain *something* to remind you of his dangerous capabilities (not that Brandon is all that dangerous, but he definitely wasn't the type you bring home to mama). Unfortunately, Brandon goes complete good-guy and loses any semblance of charisma or humor. He's just your basic good person who is uncomfortable with the complete loon his best friend turned out to be-- which again, *could* be interesting but just wasn't in this case. I'm going to place the blame for this on the writers, because Henry Cavill is just too pretty to blame. (He was also in Immortals which was similarly super-boring, so there's a *chance* it is his fault, but SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE PRETTY). He also demonstrates the aging problem this show had-- rather than the usual CW problem of casting someone who is 27 to play a 15 year old, and then 10 years later you have a 37 year old trying to pass as a 23 year old, SMALLVILLE, you have guys in their early 30s trying to play characters who've aged 20 years since the show started. And no, Tudors, baggy clothes and some grey hair does not make Henry Cavill look old. I get that they wanted to do *all* of Henry's life, but since they threw historical accuracy to the wind with their casting of Henry and Margaret, why not go all out? Embrace the campy, trashy aspects and run with it, and who cares how old they are? Charles Brandon in the first few seasons was a compelling playboy, not a boring old man. Protip: Compelling playboy beats boring old man EVERY TIME.
Verdict: Could be good, but isn't. Watch until Anne gets beheaded, but have something else to do when they start droning on about religion. Such as napping. Edited to add: The always excellent Jen W. suggests a drinking game with friends while watching The Tudors. Suggested rules include: unexpected nudity: 1 drink. King Henry has crazy-eyes: 2 drinks. I would also add: naked Henry Cavill: take a shot. Pointlessly long scenes of torture: chug. Enjoy, and make sure you have an ambulance on speed dial.
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