Home Alone: Rather Different When You're the Grownup

Home Alone came out in 1990, meaning I was five-almost-six, aka the perfect age to see it.  The other day, I watched Home Alone for the first time in years, and definitely for the first time as an adult.  It still holds up, although my perspective has shifted a bit.



15 Things I noticed watching Home Alone as an adult:

1) I vaguely remember my parents not loving this movie because of all the back-talk from the kids.  As an adult, I can confidently say HOLY SHIT THOSE KIDS ARE RUDE.

2) Kevin's dad is astonishingly incompetent as a person, much less a parent.  (Can he do ANYTHING without his wife telling him too?  It doesn't appear so).

3) You know that part where Kevin is being sent to bed in the attic, and he tries a last-ditch apology to his mom?  I remember thinking, "Wow, his mom is SO MEAN she didn't even accept his apology" and now I'm like, "YEAH NICE TRY YOU LITTLE BRAT GO TO BED."

4) "Look what you did, you little jerk," is still part of my lexicon, complete with Uncle Frank's inflection.

5)  Uncle Frank is a jackass.

7) Also, Buzz and the rest of the siblings are spectacularly awful.  No wonder Kevin hates his family.

8) Kevin is no innocent in this.  I'd probably leave him behind too.

9) What family dresses their daughters in DRESSES AND TIGHTS for a transatlantic flight?  They're going to be on a plane for 9+ hours, they don't need to look nice.  They need to be able to pee without adult assistance.

10)  Even if Kevin is the youngest, those kids are too young to be sitting by themselves in coach with their parents in first class.  That's a dick move, Mr. and Mrs. McCallister.  Everyone else on the plane officially hates you.

11) I never understood why they were trying to get EVERYONE on a flight back to Chicago.  Clearly, it would be easier to just find ONE seat, not fifteen.  This isn't exactly a Gordian knot, McCallisters.

12)  There's an article on the internet by a doctor detailing all the injuries Kevin inflicts upon the Wet Bandits.  It really makes the movie take a different tone when you realize it's actually about an eight year old who tortures two grown men to death.

13) John Candy's midwest accent is a thing of perfection.  Give me two beers and put me in a room with a bunch of my high school friends and that's exactly how I sound.

14) And Sheboygan, WI is EXACTLY where you'd sell 700 copies of a polka album.

15)  I like that Old Man Marley rescues Kevin-- from two grown men who are trying to BITE OFF HIS FINGER-- and then he doesn't even check to see if Kevin's parents are home.  I don't know about you, but even as a recluse if I rescued an eight year old from that sort of trauma I'd probably want to talk to his mom for a second.


BONUS: That's still the definitive version of Carol of the Bells in my head.  And the music still means Christmas to me.  Well played, John Williams.  Well played.

Sons of Anarchy: Biker Shakespeare

If you've ever wanted to see Shakespeare with a side of motorcycles and excessive violence, boy oh boy do I have the show for you.  Sons of Anarchy follows the adventures of a motorcycle gang (excuse me, motorcycle "club") in North-Central California, but it's also so much more than that.  It's about family and secrets and politics and a little bit about a monarchy but I'll get to that.  Also, lots of hugging.  So. Much. Hugging.  More hugging than you can possibly believe.  Apparently, bikers are big on hugs and it's adorable.

A note: I'm only through the fifth season, and the sixth season is currently airing.  But don't worry about spoilers, because I'll keep this review confined to the characters and just a little bit of the first season.

Sleepy Hollow: Bonkers and loving it.

Sleepy Hollow is the most delightfully insane TV show I've ever seen, hands down.  Instead of being a boring novel I probably didn't read* when it was assigned to me, it's about time travel and the apocalypse and Ichabod Crane looking like he's on the cover of a romance novel. (The actual plot: Revolutionary War hero Ichabod Crane comes back to life in the present day to stop the apocalypse and solve crimes.  I told you it was bonkers).

*Early American lit just isn't my thing, y'all.  It's BAD.

(Lost + Zombies) - Smoke Monster= The Walking Dead

Literally, that's The Walking Dead in a nutshell. It's Lost without the smoke monster, and instead of the Others there's zombies.  But it's a similar tale of survival-at-any-cost with a group of total fucking morons.

Orange is the New Black: I did not see this coming

So I have this post that's 95% done on the Walking Dead that I was planning on posting next, but then I watched all of Orange is the New Black in under a week and I just HAVE to talk about it.  (Don't worry, we'll get to my love of Daryl killing zombies soon.  And I *do* love Daryl.)

But Orange is the New Black is something unlike anything I've ever seen on TV, even if it's only on Netflix Instant.  It's a show created by a woman, based on a book written by another woman, starring a cast of almost all women, the majority of whom are either not white or not straight.  It's a show that treats a gay love story with the same care and attention as a straight love story, and that shows the flexibility of human sexuality in a non-exploitive manner.  It's a show that gives us the stories of people that society has written off, and does so in a non-preachy manner.  Hell, it's a persuasive argument for prison reform wrapped in NPR jokes.

Luther: Your standard loose-cannon cop, only this time he's British and played by Idris Elba.

For me, Luther is the perfect combination of my two favorite things: British TV and crime procedurals (with bonus handsomeness).  The titular Luther is a rageaholic jackass who is going through a divorce and generally on a downward spiral.  He's a detective who solves crimes (and occasionally dispenses some good old-fashioned vigilante justice) in London.  He's also magnetic and charming and at the same time kind of a terrible person?  It's complicated.  But also awesome.

TV Shows that should be on Netflix Instant so I can watch them whenever I want

1) The O.C., because that show was seriously brilliant (if you ignore Marissa, who is the worst).
2) Gilmore Girls, because I'm kind of dying without an infusion of Lorelai-Gilmore-fast-talk and Rory-Gilmore-earnestness.  And Jess.  Always Jess.  But there's too many seasons to own/get on disc rental, so help a girl out, okay Netflix?
3) Chuck, because that show is ADORABLE.
4) Lois and Clark, the New Adventures of Superman, because mid-90s Dean Cain.
5) Semi off topic, but seriously, netflix, stop putting shows that have been on Instant for OVER A YEAR in the "new arrivals" section, because now you're just lying.

Bears. Beets. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA.

It took me awhile to jump on the Battlestar Galactica bandwagon, not due to any aversion to it but because I don't have cable.

But then it came on Netflix Instant.  And my husband and I watched all four seasons in three weeks.

Hart of Dixie: Distractingly Set in Stars Hollow

Hart of Dixie is a charming little weekly romantic comedy, whose main fault is that they don't even try to hide the fact that it is clearly filmed on the same set as Gilmore Girls, and I find it super distracting (I have the same problem with Pretty Little Liars-- I keep expecting to see Lorelai or Miss Patty or Lane pop around a corner).  There's no Miss Patty, but it *does* have Carl Winslow as a slightly effete gossip blogger.  So there's that.

The best sitcoms you aren't watching. Or maybe you are. I don't know, I'm not you.

I can't really do my usual reviews of sitcoms, since they just don't really fit that format, and there's not a lot to say about individual characters.  After all, most of the comedy comes from the interactions between characters, rather than the characters themselves.  So instead, I'll do a brief round up of my unexpected favorites, plus a few standards that if you aren't watching right now, I don't think I want to know you.

The West Wing: Political Comfort Food for a Liberal in a Conservative Town

First, a disclaimer: if you haven't figured this out yet, I'm a die-hard liberal.  And this post is about a political TV show, so naturally my political leanings are going to come out here.  Just so you're aware: no complaining that I'm biased, because I am and I already know that.


I remember when the West Wing started SO VIVIDLY, you guys.  It's on Netflix Instant right now, and despite the fact that it's been 13 years since I've seen the first season (I own seasons 2-4 on DVD, but only saw the first season in its original run) I still remember entire scenes almost perfectly.  It's interesting to watch it in the Obama era now, and see how much of it was just plain old "Oh man, we can NOT deal with Bush right now" wishful thinking.  (It started prior to the 2000 election, but later seasons definitely have that flavor).  And I'll be honest, that element definitely drew me in during the original run.  I was a Democrat in the reddest of red counties, and sometimes, it got depressing.  So to see a nearly perfect representation of everything *I* believed on TV each week was really wonderful.  Now, that's not to say The West Wing is a perfect show-- far from it.  In hindsight, Aaron Sorkin has some problems with female characters, as they run to "shrill" or "needlessly flighty" pretty damn quickly.   (I feel the same way about Aaron Sorkin as I do about Quentin Tarantino: I might love the art they produce, but every time either man opens his mouth I hate him just a little bit more).  And it gets a little preachy and a little glib too.

But damn if it isn't a mighty fine TV show.


Jed Bartlett, the second greatest fictional president.

Bill Pullman in Independence Day is #1, with Morgan Freeman
in Deep Impact a close #3.  In case you were wondering how
I rank my fictional presidents.

Jed Bartlett is sort of the perfect president.  He's principled, thoughtful, smart, incredibly progressive (but personally anti-choice, so as to not alienate everyone) and while he has a tendency to be a blowhard, he's got a good sense of humor about it.  (The time he called the Butterball hotline is a particular favorite of mine: "If I cook the stuffing inside the turkey, will it kill my guests?  I'm not saying that's a dealbreaker.")  But man oh man, can Martin Sheen BRING IT when he needs to-- you totally and completely buy him as a spellbinding orator, because he IS.  Plus, the First Lady is Perfect Human Stockard Channing, whom I like to imagine actually is Rizzo all grown up and kicking ass.  I actually have a hard time reconciling the fact that Martin Sheen is the father of human garbage bag Charlie Sheen, because in my head, Martin Sheen IS President Bartlett.  And his daughter is Peggy on Mad Men, not that gross guy from a terrible sitcom.


Sam Seaborn, before he moved to Pawnee, Indiana.

How is it possible that Rob Lowe hasn't aged a DAY in about 15 years?

Sam is a speechwriter for President Bartlett, and originally was intended to be the star of the show.  I'm glad they ditched that angle, because he's a lot better as comic relief who's prone to occasional fits of righteous anger instead.  Sometimes I'm a little unclear as to why a speechwriter would be involved in say, military decisions, but just roll with it.


C.J. Cregg, Press Secretary and living curse on the men she dates.

C.J., let's go get a beer.  You seem fun.

C.J. is a rare example of Sorkin *not* writing a woman who is shrill and/or flighty, although I'm willing to give at least 70% of the credit for that to Allison Janney, who is delightful in every single thing she's ever done.  (Remember when she was in Drop Dead Gorgeous?  She was hilarious).  C.J. is 100% badass through and through, although I wish they didn't keep killing off her boyfriends.  Girlfriend's gonna get a complex.  (Also, now would be a good time to mention that I haven't seen much beyond season 4, and I don't think I will).


Toby Grumpy Grumperstein.

Actual Toby quote.

Toby is White House Communications Director, which near as I can tell, means he yells at C.J. and Sam a lot.  Toby's one of the only people who can call the president out when he's being ridiculous, and he does so with such aplomb and grace* that you can't help but concede that he has a point.  He's also a softy at heart, as evidenced by that episode where he arranges a burial service for a homeless vet.  I definitely didn't cry at that episode.  Nope.  No uncontrollable sobbing here.

*By "aplomb and grace" I mean "growling and yelling and generally being a self-righteous dick about things."




Leo McGarry: one time he was a war criminal, but then they dropped it.

I saw weird Dick Cheney parallels with him, which is odd
because the show started pre-2000.

Leo is the president's best friend and Chief of Staff.  Mostly, he acts like an exasperated dad in a sitcom, if said dad also had access to nukes.



Charlie Young, the king of "What ARE you people doing" looks.

Charlie, people keep telling me to watch Psych.
No offense, but I probably never will.

I'm including Charlie in this round up for two reasons: 1) he's pretty damn charming and 2) his presence REALLY makes how white the cast is stand out.  Like, I didn't notice it when I was first watching, but now?  Dang.  Dang.  DANG.  That's a LOT of white people, you guys.



Josh Lyman, all around badass:

Bradley Whitford is a Wisconsonite.
I will always love him for that.

Josh Lyman is one of my favorite fictional characters, ever.  I even have a minor crush on Rahm Emanuel (on whom Josh is apparently based) due to the transitive property of fictional crushes.  Josh is hilarious and sarcastic and *completely* full of himself, but I can overlook a lot because honestly?  You get to be an arrogant asshole when you're that awesome.



Donna Moss, the world's greatest secretary.

Well, they certainly nailed the "Minnesotan" aspect of her casting.
I went to college with approximately 1,000 women who looked just like her.

Donna is the audience substitute.  She exists to follow Josh around and ask him to explain what "filibuster" and "sequester" mean, and then to ask more questions to show the "common sense American" viewpoint that Sorkin wants to shoot down.  I sort of hate it when they make Donna look dumb just for this purpose though, like when she thinks that $150 per week for AIDS medication "isn't off the charts" for someone living in Africa.  First of all, that would be a lot of money for ME.  (For reference, at one point they say that C.J will be making $600 per week, so Donna can't be making any more than $400 per week.  Donna, that's a lot of money for YOU and you WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE.  Aaron Sorkin, I hate you.)  Secondly, I get that Donna isn't heavily involved in policy, but she works in the goddamn White House.  She's read a fucking newspaper in her life.  She knows that people dealing with AIDS in Africa aren't exactly all working white-collar jobs for $30,000 a year.  What I'm saying is, I like Donna, and I hate it when they make her deliberately stupid just so Josh can deliver a quip about how "a policeman in Kenya makes $40 per month."  There are other ways of making her a believable audience surrogate.  Ways that don't insult her intelligence.  Also, she's 100% obviously in love with Josh, so clearly I'm going to like her.  We've got things in common.




There's a lot of other awesome characters (like Ainsley Hayes, whom I love and think was a lot prettier before she went on CSI Miami and jacked up her face) and the first four seasons are riddled with amazing, jaw dropping episodes.  I will never look at a map the same way again, thanks to one episode featuring "cartographers for social equality," and In the Shadow of Two Gunmen (parts I and II) are some of the best hours of TV I've ever seen.  It can be a bit preachy, as I think Sorkin really likes to write about people who think they are saving the world.  However, in this case that ridiculously self-important tone WORKS, because you want the people who are helping run our country to be self-possessed and believe that what they are doing really is important.*

Verdict: Perfectly Awesome.  If you're a liberal.  If you're a conservative, it's probably terrible.


*It doesn't work when you're writing about SNL though.  I've only seen a few episodes of Studio 60, but MY GOD PEOPLE.  You're writing a sketch comedy show, not curing fucking CANCER.  It was insufferable.  Also: really?  GILBERT AND SULLIVAN is your brilliant satire?  I'm a certified nerd studying British history, and even I don't find Gilbert and Sullivan to be *that* funny.  (However, the West Wing episode where everyone keeps referencing Gilbert and Sullivan?  That was funny, because those are the sorts of people who've seen those operettas.)  Maybe I should do a whole post about how much I hate Studio 60, since I clearly have a lot of feelings about it.

Firefly: Big Damn Heroes

Good lord.  Could there BE a more perfect show?  Probably, but I haven't seen it and I don't believe it.  Firefly has everything: wisecracks, spaceships, gunfights, and a weirdly libertarian message that I do my best to ignore.  I distinctly remember seeing an episode or two when it first aired, and thinking "Man, this would be a great movie, but I have NO IDEA what is going on."  Turns out, this is because Fox aired the episodes out of order.  Why?  Because fuck you, that's why.