True Blood vs. Vampire Diaries: A Battle Royale...OF BLOOD.

Originally, I was going to do two separate posts: one on Vampire Diaries, and one on True Blood.  But as I was organizing the posts, I realized that they are essentially the same show, only one is mostly about sex and the other is mostly about high schoolers and their FEEEELINGS.  So, much like Camelot vs. Merlin, I decided to do a head to head match up and declare a winner.  Because if there's one thing I like, it's judging things and declaring winners.




Disclaimer: There are only two photos in this, because there are too many characters in these shows for me to look them all up.  If you don't know who I'm talking about, I'd like to introduce you to my good friend Google Image Search. (Don't look up Eric Northman though, because there is a lot of REALLY INTENSE fanart that made me uncomfortable.  Ditto with Damon Salvatore). ALSO: I tried, valiantly, to finish off True Blood this summer.  But I can't.  It feels like homework.  I forget exactly where I left off, but it involved a lot of fairy blood and Eric Northman being adorbs.  So some of my observations might be invalidated by later episodes, but I doubt it because the status quo NEVER FUCKING CHANGES on that show and that's why I quit.


The Plot:

True Blood: The Adventures of Sookie Stackhouse and Her Magical Vagina

True Blood is about a waitress in Bon Temps, Louisiana named Sookie Stackhouse who can read people's minds.  There's something about her that makes her irresistible to vampires (spoiler alert: it's her blood, although you'd be right in assuming it appears to be her vagina) and other magical creatures.  Every single male magical creature who meets her instantly falls in love with her and really, really wants to have sex with her.  It is honestly ridiculous, as Anna Paquin is adorable and all, but really, her?  Sookie is kind of a moron.  Her hometown is packed with mythical creatures, from witches to vampires to werewolves to shapeshifters to, uh, werepanthers and fairies.  The most interesting thing about True Blood is that vampires are "out" in society and struggling for equal rights.  There's a half-assed "vampire rights= gay rights" analogy that bugs me though, because gay people are no more likely than straight people to kill you, but vampires are 1000% more likely to do so.  However, this did lead to a crazed vampire ripping a newscaster's SPINE out on live TV, and it was the single greatest thing to ever happen on True Blood.  True Blood's credits are DISGUSTING though, and make me want to vomit every time I see them and then I curse HBOgo's stupid player, because skipping the credits makes the entire video wonky, so SCREW YOU HBO.  Also, this being HBO, there's more sex than you can shake a stick at and it is usually only tangentially related to the plot.  Finally, the plot can really, really drag sometimes, as they get stuck building up an idea and have so much fun with building it up that they draw it out way too long and then the climax is anticlimactic.


Vampire Diaries: I Swear, It's Not Weird That I'm In Love With You Simply Because You Look Like My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Set in Mystic Falls, Virginia (apparently vampires like the south) Vampire Diaries is about Elena Gilbert, your average high school orphan who happens to be a doppelganger of a crazy evil vampire.  Unlike Sookie, Elena only causes *two* vampires to fall in love with her: the Salvatore brothers, two Civil War era vampires with the hilariously anachronistic names of Stefan and Damon (they explain this by saying they are "Italian," which, whatever, CW.  I'll believe that when I believe that there were Vikings named Elijah, Rebekah, Finn and Cole.  Question: when did the Vikings become Irish *and* Jewish?) The Salvatore brothers were previously feuding over Elena's completely insane doppelganger, Katherine, the woman who made them both into vampires in the first place.  There's a secret cabal in Mystic Falls called "The Founding Families" who throw super fancy parties roughly once a week and also are sworn to kill all vampires.  Vampire Diaries' main problem is what I call the Twilight Conundrum: why, if you have eternal life and endless money, would you spend all your time in HIGH SCHOOL?  Explain that to me.  College, I get.  College is fun, and everyone you meet is a legal adult and already 50% less annoying than they were in high school.  But a 150 year old guy hanging around high school girls is...unsettling.  Especially when said guy looks to be about 30 years old, STEFAN.  Like Pretty Little Liars, Vampire Diaries burns through plots like they expect to be canceled any second, so you never really get bored.


Verdict: Vampire Diaries, easily.  However, they both have stupid plots that are saved by cranking the camp factor up to 11, because vampires are drama queens.


The Girl:

Sookie Stackhouse:  Sookie Stackhouse, is, as I said already, a complete moron.  Everyone who falls in love with her (last count...4? maybe 5 magical creatures?) only does so because she has special-tasting blood and supernatural powers, not because of who she is or anything.  She's nice and all, and a decent friend, but I just don't get the fuss.  Plus, she gets relegated to damsel-in-distress wayyyy too often for my liking, especially considering she can read minds *and* use her mind to move things.


Elena Gilbert:  Elena is loads smarter than Sookie, and even though her chosen method of solving problems is "offer herself as a sacrifice" at least she DOES something.  She's also not afraid to call her dueling vampire boyfriends out on their shit.  Mostly, I like Elena because Elena means Katherine, and I adore Katherine's completely batshit crazy, doesn't-give-a-fuck attitude.  Elena's okay, but Katherine is AWESOME.  Also, Nina Dobrev is a surprisingly good actress for a CW show, and she made me CRY once when Elena was sad.  Not like it's hard to make me cry, but I'm usually tough enough to not cry at a CW vampire show.

Verdict: Elena, because Elena means Katherine and Sookie means...boring.


The Boy:

Bill Compton:  Bill Compton is a Confederate veteran who is haunted by his evil past.  He is creepily obsessed with Sookie just like everyone else on the show, but she returns his affections even though he's kind of a weirdo and just a leetle too possessive for my taste.  He's nice though, and the way he says Sookie (Sook-eh, instead of Sook-ee) cracks me up.

Stefan Salvatore:  Stefan is a Confederate sympathizer who is haunted by his evil past.  He's exceptionally broody, although he does have a decent sense of humor about his emo-ness.  Stefan basically stalked Elena at the beginning, however, and there's the previously mentioned being-150-years-old-and-in-love-with-a-16-year-old problem.  I do love Evil Stefan though, because Evil Stefan is basically Damon.

Verdict: Bill Compton, surprisingly.  Mostly because Bill isn't in love with someone who is still too young to vote.


The Rival:

(I'm including photos in this round, for SCIENCE).

Eric Northman:

Again, his dad is the bald guy from
Mamma Mia and Thor.  WHAT.

Eric Northman is a former Viking prince and Nazi soldier. (For some reason, Eric as a Nazi cracks me up.  He WOULD be a Nazi.)  Eric is angry, wounded, and he doesn't give a fuck what you think.  He's also the funniest person on True Blood, and one of the only rivals for Sookie's affection that admits he's a bastard and doesn't really plan on changing.  I hope he doesn't, because I love Eric Northman just the way he is.


Damon Salvatore

Hey Damon, remember when you were on LOST
and Jack was going to cut your leg off?
That was super traumatizing.

Damon is a Confederate veteran who is haunted by his evil past totally okay with his evil past.  TANGENT: What is with contemporary vampire stories and the Civil War?  More specifically, Confederate soldiers?  Bill, Damon, and one-of-the-lesser-Twi-vamps are *all* Confederate soldiers, and Stefan would have been but he was too young to enlist.  What about the Confederacy has made our collective consciousness go "yeah, that's right.  NOW THEY SHALL BE VAMPIRES."  Should we blame Anne Rice for this?  I'm going to blame Anne Rice for this.  END TANGENT.  Damon is wounded and angry and sarcastic, and if there's one thing you've learned about me from this blog, it's that I like my fictional men to be wounded and angry and sarcastic.  Damon is definitely a softie on the inside, and I think that's ADORABLE.  He loses a few points for the same reason as his brother, that being he's a grown up in love with a high schooler.  Additionally, I love Ian Somerhalder as much as the next person, but...are we really supposed to believe he's 21?  He's 34 in real life, and looks it-- he doesn't look old, but pretending he's MORE THAN A DECADE YOUNGER THAN HE ACTUALLY IS is kind of ridiculous.

Verdict:  For character, tie because they are kind of the same person.  For handsomeness, Eric Northman.  Overall winner: Eric Northman.


The Brother:

Jason Stackhouse:  Just like his sister, Jason is an idiot.  Unlike his sister, he is well aware of his idiocy and completely embraces it.  Mostly, Jason just sleeps around and gets himself into trouble.

Jeremy Gilbert:  Jeremy is Steve McQueen's grandson, so he starts with an early lead just based on genetics.  He's a nice kid, although I get the sense that they don't quite know what to do about him so sometimes he's just a damsel in distress, and sometimes his main role is to google relevant plot points-- excuse me "Bing" relative plot points, because Microsoft is a not-at-all-subtle sponsor.  He loses his lead because I don't know if it's the actor or the director, but Jeremy does NOT hug Elena in a brotherly manner.  Every time they hug (and it's a lot, since they are sad orphans) I yell "THAT IS NOT HOW SIBLINGS HUG."  It's weird.

Verdict:  Jason, because he's way more brotherly.


The Black Best Friend:

Tara:  Tara is a long string of expletives masquerading as a person.  She's angry (with good reason, as her life is crap) and she seems to exist mostly for the writers to torture.  If something horrible happens, it probably happens to Tara.

Bonnie:  Bonnie is a witch and also kind of a bitch.  She holds a grudge like woah, but she's a very good friend.

Verdict: Bonnie, because she gets to do more than "have awful, unspeakable things happen to her."


The Werewolf:

Alcide:  Despite having a very weird name and being inexplicably in love with Sookie, Alcide is an okay dude.  Also: handsome.


Tyler:  Tyler is a cocky rage-monster asshole.  I don't like him.  And no, "his dad was abusive" is not enough of an excuse for his awfulness.

Verdict:  Alcide, because I'm currently hoping Tyler dies in a painful way.


The Unexpected Vampire:

Jessica: Aww, Jessica.  I love Jessica.  She has pretty red hair and she's nice (and also feels sort of trapped by her niceness) and she's just the sweetest.

Caroline:  Known to the internet and Damon as Vampire Barbie, Caroline is my second favorite fictional type: the bitchy but awesome popular girl.  She's bubbly and nice and a little conniving but mostly just plain awesome.

Verdict:  It was tough, but Caroline's bitchy awesomeness beats out Jessica's naive sweetness and pretty hair.


The Other Guy:

Lafayette:  Lafayette is Tara's cousin and also my single favorite character on True Blood.  Lafayette is a flamboyantly gay drug dealer, but he also played varsity baseball and can beat you up if you don't pay him.  Something I harp on constantly is well-written female characters and well-written not-straight characters, and Lafayette is definitely the latter-- or at least, better than most.  He's not just some prancing queen, despite his false eyelashes and amazing makeup.  He's a kickass guy who just so happens to be gay and flamboyant, but mostly he's a good friend, a reluctantly dutiful son, and a damn good boyfriend.  Lafayette, please be a real person and come hang out with me, okay?  I won't do drugs with you, but you can probably talk me into doing shots.

Matt:  Matt is Elena's ex-boyfriend, and at some point also Caroline's boyfriend and then her ex-boyfriend too.  It hit me recently that the guy who plays Matt would make an excellent Peeta-- mostly because Matt is a *lot* like Peeta-- if it wasn't for the fact that's he's pushing 30.  Matt is sweet and I love Peeta, but he's up against Lafayette so he sort of doesn't stand a chance.

Verdict:  Lafayette, easily.


The Authority Figure:

Sam Merlotte:  I guess Sam is an authority figure in True Blood since he owns Merlotte's, aka "The Only Bar In Town and Apparently The Only Place Anyone Works."  Sam is nice, but he's got a creeper edge to him I just can't shake.  Like everyone else, ever, Sam starts out in love with Sookie.  Snore.

Alaric:  Oh, Alaric.  Forever Young Adult has dubbed him "President of the Handsome Club" and they are not wrong.  Alaric is a history teacher (yay!) who is also hunting the vampires who may or may not have murdered his wife.  He's a badass, and once he's in charge of Elena and Jeremy he actually displays some honest-to-god grown up parenting skills, even if his teacher judgment leaves a lot to be desired. (Really Alaric?  You're going to go to an underage drinking party with your STUDENTS?  You're an idiot).

Verdict:  The President of the Handsome Club himself, Alaric.



Overall Verdict:  So, the weirdest thing happened.  I wrote this post intending for Vampire Diaries to win, but as it turns out it is a TIE.  I still contend that Vampire Diaries is a superior show, even if my own battle royale doesn't seem to think so.