Empire Strikes Back: Liveblogging by a superfan

The title's pretty self explanatory.  Join me as I liveblog (well...sorta, since I wrote this as I watched and then posted it) the best of the three originals.  I'll be using the original theatrical release, because I'm a purist.  My husband deserves credit for some of these as well, because that man is hilarious.

And if you ask nicely, I just might do the other two as well.  Oh, who am I kidding, I probably will-- this blog is mostly for my own amusement anyway.






Scroll!  My brother and I used to race to see who could say the scroll faster.  I wasn't very good at this one because this movie scared me a lot.  Not really relevant, just a fun story.

Luke:  "What is it, tauntaun?  You smell something?" YEAH, IT SMELLS THE GIANT FUCKING SNOW MONSTER RIGHT BEHIND YOU.  For a jedi, you are super unobservant.

Leia is totally rocking her insulated snow gear.  I'm jealous.

Han's straight up hatred of C-3PO will never fail to crack me up.

"We're having trouble adapting the speeders to the cold.  They'll be ready tomorrow morning though, because the plot requires it."

Ben Kenobi, you're a goddamn liar.  Yoda did not train you, Qui-Gon Jinn trained you.

Han stuffs Luke inside a dead animal, in a surprisingly gory scene for these movies.  Han continues to be hilarious and perfect in every way.

God, I love it when Han and Leia fight.  I love it a lot less when she makes out with her twin brother though.  And scruffy-looking nerf-herder is still one of my favorite insults.

I also love that Vader can choke a man to death with his mind while simultaneously carrying on a conversation with another guy.  Sith Lords are really good at multitasking, I guess.

Battle! Luke changes plans and goes to Dagobah without telling anyone!  I hope there's deleted scenes with like, half the Rebel fleet out looking for him because he couldn't be bothered to leave a note.

And that's why you always leave a note.

"Never tell me the odds."  Han Solo, be my bride.

"If I had a Threepio, I'd probably beat him.  Like a whipping boy when he says something disappointing." -- My husband.

Artoo falls off the X-wing into a swamp:
Luke: Artoo, you should more careful.
Artoo: Next time, maybe don't land in a fucking swamp.

Yoda's really gone 'round the bend being by himself for 18 years, and uses his first interaction with a sentient being to troll the living shit out of him.  Luke totally deserves it though, with his "looking for a great warrior" crap.  At no point did Kenobi call Yoda a great warrior, just a teacher.  Luke Skywalker, you're a whiny idiot sometimes, do you know that?

Han and Leia make out in the single best scene of this whole movie.  Leia's standing on a box though, because Carrie Fischer is over a foot shorter than Harrison Ford.

Yoda: First person I've seen in two decades, you are.  Introduce you to my friend, Dead Obi-Wan, I will.  Kept me company, he did.  REAL HE IS.  TALKING TO DEAD FRIEND NOT WEIRD, I SAY.

Leia: "I am NOT a committee!"
Me: Girl, I feel you.  Let's go get drinks and talk about the cocky jackasses we fell in love with.

Luke has got some SERIOUS guns these days.

Yoda: Don't go in that Force tree.
Luke: I'm going into that Force tree.
Yoda:  Fine, whatever.  It's not like I'm the most powerful jedi master ever, or anything.

Boba Fett!  Remember when you were just a bounty hunter, and not the genetically unaltered clone of the man who provided the DNA for all stormtroopers?  That was a lot better.

Han outsmarts the Empire, leading to yet another senseless death of a promising Star Destroyer officer.

Yoda, cut Luke a break.  He only learned about the Force about 6 months ago, and mostly via the cryptic ramblings of a crazy old man who lied a lot.

Yoda explains the Force, but weirdly doesn't mention fucking midichlorians.

Even after all these years, Yoda raising the X-wing from the swamp is pretty cool.

While Han's plan is pretty good, maybe he should just invest in a better goddamn hyperdrive.  (Also, what is all that stuff that they dump? What sort of heavy machinery are they building onboard Star Destroyers? Tractors?)

Lando!  Smoothest motherfucker in the galaxy, that's for sure.

"Hello, what have we here?"  Here, we have my husband's favorite line.  He *wishes* he could be that smooth.

Lando explains his business, which sounds really unsuccessful, actually.  I'm not sure how he makes money.  Gambling, probably.  Or turning tricks.

Obi-Wan shows up, but not to tell the truth, because that would be HELPFUL.

"Forget your friends," says the hermit who lived in the desert for 20 years and abandonded his best friend in mortal agony.

Chewie brings Threepio back in pieces, with Han and Leia totally unconcerned that he got blown to bits.  "He probably deserved it," they think.

Also, I kind of love that Han is clearly fluent in Wookie.

Vader!  Now there's an awkward brunch.  "Hey, daughter-I-abandoned.  To be fair, I thought I'd killed your mother before you were born.  Also,  I blew up your adopted planet to teach you a lesson.  Pass the waffles?"

Chewie roars at the sirens in the torture chamber.  "Hey, it's you in the morning," my husband says.

This torture shit is really dark, and part of why I avoided this movie when I was a kid.

Why does Lando call him "Haaan" instead of "Han?"  That's always bugged me.

Han: "I feel terrible."  Master of the obvious, that one.

"I love you."
"I know."  (Harrison Ford ad libbed that line.  He's perfect).

Han goes into carbonite, and 7 year old MC is briefly terrified that this time, it will go badly and he won't make it.

Lando is surprised that the Dark Lord of the Sith doesn't keep his word.  In other news, Lando is a poor businessman and a moron.  At least he has his charm.

Lightsaber battle, commence!

Leia just calmly watches as Chewie tries kill Lando.  Don't mess with Leia, yo.

Either we missed some scenes where Yoda teaches Luke about lightsaber fighting, or that boy has some serious natural talent.  I'm pretty sure the only times we've seen him use one is 1) against a drone on the Falcon during A New Hope and 2) Against himself-Vader in the Force tree.

That, or Vader has just gotten really fucking rusty in the last 18 years.

Lando issues an evacuation order and promptly sends the citizenry of Cloud City into a panic.  His leadership skills really leave something to be desired.

"No, I am your father."
"No, that's not true.  THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!  NOOOOOO!"
Clearly, being a drama queen is located on the Y chromosome in the Skywalker family.

And now Luke is falling, and I'm reminded of how much I hate heights, and why I avoided this movie so much.

Meanwhile, Leia orchestrates the rescue of a man hanging from an antennae, because she gets shit done.

"Luke."
"Father."
Well, you accepted that quickly.

Aw, I love that last shot of Luke and Leia looking out the window.  Especially because the Skywalker twins definitely got their height genes from their mom.  SO SMALL.


And that, folks, is it.