Empire Strikes Back: Liveblogging by a superfan

The title's pretty self explanatory.  Join me as I liveblog (well...sorta, since I wrote this as I watched and then posted it) the best of the three originals.  I'll be using the original theatrical release, because I'm a purist.  My husband deserves credit for some of these as well, because that man is hilarious.

And if you ask nicely, I just might do the other two as well.  Oh, who am I kidding, I probably will-- this blog is mostly for my own amusement anyway.

Mickey Mouse Star Wars: Deep breaths, people. We'll get through this.

So, Disney bought Lucasfilm and broke the internet.  I know *exactly* the moment the deal was announced, because I got an email from my husband, my facebook blew up with people wondering if it was April Fools Day, and my twitter feed was like a nerd livetweeting his nightmare.

And I am here, as your benevolent Star Wars Overlord, to tell you that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.

The Five Most Embarrassing Movies I Own, and My Reasons For Purchasing Them

5) The Cutting Edge.  Reason:  It's not so much embarrassing to own, it's that I, a figure skater with a love of romantic comedies and fictional roguish men, did not see this movie until I was in COLLEGE.

4) Troy:  Reason: Eric Bana as Hector, my Favorite Male Character in Greek Literature, Category: Epic Poems, Subcategory: Homer.  Also: Hector's wife Andromache, which is my number one "If I ever own a cat" name.

3)  High School Musical.  Reason: I'M SOARING, I'M FLYING.  THERE'S NOT A STAR IN HEAVEN THAT WE CAN'T REACH.  And the fact that Zac Efron's voice was "too manly" so they redubbed it with someone else's voice so he'd sound less sexually threatening.  That's right, ladies and gents: lock up your wives, daughters, husbands, and sons: THE ZEFRON'S HERE.

2) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  Reason: Go to hell, George Lucas.

1) The Lizzy McGuire Movie.  Reason: Because sometimes I just need to watch Hilary Duff bop around Rome pretending to be an Italian pop star.


Honorable Mention, Because My Husband Bought Them:  Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions.  Reason:  None.  There is no goddamn reason to own these two movies.  It makes it worse that my husband and I own these two, but not the first one.  You know, THE GOOD ONE.

Things I've Learned From Law & Order

1) If I am arrested and the cops do not read me my Miranda Rights the very second they arrest me, I can confess to the crime and then go commit some more crimes and there's nothing they can do about it.

2) Alternatively, if the cops really dislike a suspect, it's totally fine for them to beat said suspect up.

3) Science is literally magic.

4) Psychologists are mind readers, and people with mental illnesses always present textbook symptoms, and ONLY textbook symptoms.
       4b) If I am arrested for a crime I hope B.D. Wong doesn't question me, because all he'd have to do is make his concerned-face-with-furrowed-brow and I'd start crying and reveal everything and then ask him for a hug.

5) The Manhattan SVU's hallway to the elevators is a super dangerous place, as about twice a year a grieving family member murders a suspect there.
      5b) In fact, stay out of the Manhattan SVU altogether, as THEY ONCE GOT BOMBED BY A PIZZA.

6) Elliott Stabler is kind of unstable, but apparently that makes him a phenomenal cop.

7) The layout of all of New York.  I've never been there, but I'm 75% sure I know where everything is and that it will only take about 5 minutes to get there, no matter where I start from.
      7b) When experiencing an emergency in New York, the best thing to do is call a cop you met once and wait for them to get there.  You will be dead when they arrive, but that will give them 30 more minutes of plot.

8) Ice-T is a cop now.

9) Cops shoot people all the time, and the therapy they have to attend later is bullshit that keeps them from doing their jobs.
    9b) Sometimes though, it has amazing relevance to the case they're investigating.

10)  Jack McCoy is the greatest lawyer that ever lawyered (with the exception of my husband, of course).




For real though, I respect Law and Order way more than other cop shows.  My attorney husband can't even be in the room with me when I'm watching it, which is a shame, because it is great TV comfort food.  In fact, I was sick earlier this summer and I spent most of a day laying on the couch watching Law and Order SVU on netflix, because I could drift in and out of consciousness and still follow the plot (granted, I've already seen every episode).  However, I distinguish Law and Order from crap like CSI because unlike those shows, Law and Order seems to take it's job of "educating" the public seriously, particularly SVU.  That show has done a really great job of bringing sexual assault out into the open, and showing people that even prostitutes get raped, or that many rapes are perpetrated by long-term partners, but that doesn't make it okay, and that men can be the victims of rape too.  It might sound facile-- and there's the whole "benefitting from our society's lurid fascination with sex and murder" thing to take into account-- but if you think about it, nearly every episode of SVU has a scene where the detectives sit around the squad room listing facts and debating the case.  Sometimes it's statistics about child abuse, or AIDS transmission, or domestic violence, and then one detective (usually Munch or Ice-T) brings up the usual doubts: is she lying?  Could he/she be doing this for attention?  Is this [completely overacted mental illness] real?  Then another detective (usually Olivia) responds with *more* statistics and a heartfelt plea to take the victim seriously.  In an age where a shocking amount of people (and public figures) think women make up rape claims at the drop of the hat, I think SVU does a lot of good in showing just how vulnerable we all are to sexual assault, and that *no one* deserves it.  If you think about Law and Order as a schlocky and kind of manipulative public service announcement, it gets a lot better-- as long as you realize that their presentation of the legal process is pretty much bullshit.

So, I'm starting a blog.

I looked around the internet today, and I thought: you know the internet needs?  More people talking about TV.  So I thought I'd rectify that gaping hole in internet pop culture blogs, and start this one.

This has a dual purpose, in that I'm starting out on the (very scary) process of writing a dissertation, and I think I need a distraction.  I love history with all my heart, but I have another great love: sitting on the couch, watching TV.  Also reading, but that's a lot more respectable, and hence a lot less funny.  I'll talk about other stuff too (movies, general pop culture) but mostly TV.

So join me (or not, whatevs) as I talk about my favorite TV shows: the good (Game! Of Thrones!) the comfort-food (Law and Order: SVU) (shut up), and the middling-to-terrible (Smash, why do you suck so much?)

Things I'm capable of, and those I'm not.

Things I can't do off the top of my head:

1) Multiplication

2) Tell my right from my left

3) Division

4) Addition or subtraction with numbers larger than 5 

5) Not get lost, even in familiar places

6) Math

Things I can do off the top of my head:

1) Answer Star Wars-based trivia questions.

2) Answer Harry Potter-based trivia questions.

3) Answer Hunger Games-based trivia questions.

4) Explain the very real social issues grappled with on Downton Abbey.

5) Make tacos.

I'd rate my usefulness to humanity at about a 4.