1) If I am arrested and the cops do not read me my Miranda Rights the very second they arrest me, I can confess to the crime and then go commit some more crimes and there's nothing they can do about it.
2) Alternatively, if the cops really dislike a suspect, it's totally fine for them to beat said suspect up.
3) Science is literally magic.
4) Psychologists are mind readers, and people with mental illnesses always present textbook symptoms, and ONLY textbook symptoms.
4b) If I am arrested for a crime I hope B.D. Wong doesn't question me, because all he'd have to do is make his concerned-face-with-furrowed-brow and I'd start crying and reveal everything and then ask him for a hug.
5) The Manhattan SVU's hallway to the elevators is a super dangerous place, as about twice a year a grieving family member murders a suspect there.
5b) In fact, stay out of the Manhattan SVU altogether, as THEY ONCE GOT BOMBED BY A PIZZA.
6) Elliott Stabler is kind of unstable, but apparently that makes him a phenomenal cop.
7) The layout of all of New York. I've never been there, but I'm 75% sure I know where everything is and that it will only take about 5 minutes to get there, no matter where I start from.
7b) When experiencing an emergency in New York, the best thing to do is call a cop you met once and wait for them to get there. You will be dead when they arrive, but that will give them 30 more minutes of plot.
8) Ice-T is a cop now.
9) Cops shoot people all the time, and the therapy they have to attend later is bullshit that keeps them from doing their jobs.
9b) Sometimes though, it has amazing relevance to the case they're investigating.
10) Jack McCoy is the greatest lawyer that ever lawyered (with the exception of my husband, of course).
For real though, I respect Law and Order way more than other cop shows. My attorney husband can't even be in the room with me when I'm watching it, which is a shame, because it is great TV comfort food. In fact, I was sick earlier this summer and I spent most of a day laying on the couch watching Law and Order SVU on netflix, because I could drift in and out of consciousness and still follow the plot (granted, I've already seen every episode). However, I distinguish Law and Order from crap like CSI because unlike those shows, Law and Order seems to take it's job of "educating" the public seriously, particularly SVU. That show has done a really great job of bringing sexual assault out into the open, and showing people that even prostitutes get raped, or that many rapes are perpetrated by long-term partners, but that doesn't make it okay, and that men can be the victims of rape too. It might sound facile-- and there's the whole "benefitting from our society's lurid fascination with sex and murder" thing to take into account-- but if you think about it, nearly every episode of SVU has a scene where the detectives sit around the squad room listing facts and debating the case. Sometimes it's statistics about child abuse, or AIDS transmission, or domestic violence, and then one detective (usually Munch or Ice-T) brings up the usual doubts: is she lying? Could he/she be doing this for attention? Is this [completely overacted mental illness] real? Then another detective (usually Olivia) responds with *more* statistics and a heartfelt plea to take the victim seriously. In an age where a shocking amount of people (and public figures) think women make up rape claims at the drop of the hat, I think SVU does a lot of good in showing just how vulnerable we all are to sexual assault, and that *no one* deserves it. If you think about Law and Order as a schlocky and kind of manipulative public service announcement, it gets a lot better-- as long as you realize that their presentation of the legal process is pretty much bullshit.
Showing posts with label Crime dramas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crime dramas. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
Just stop it: My issues with cop and lawyer shows.
I love crime dramas. LOVE THEM. They are my favorite thing to watch when I don't feel like thinking, because you always know the general trajectory of the episode. The person they arrest in the first 10 minutes? Innocent, unless they turn out to be the real culprit after several shocking twists. Famous guest star? Totally guilty. Slightly creepy acquaintance of the victim who keeps turning up in the investigation? Definitely the murderer. Case gets tossed out of court on a technicality? The heroes will find a way to trick the murderer into confessing. In short, crime dramas are simple and predictable in a comforting way, and that's why they are so popular.
Now, mostly I'm talking about Law and Order here (in all its incarnations) because that's the show I grew up watching. I used to beg to stay up late to be able to watch it, because to 9 year old me, Law and Order was the height of sophistication. I've grown up now and can see it for the formulaic mess that it actually is, but that has not lessened my love for it. I have, however, noticed a few things that I wish Law and Order would just stop-- and as I've branched out into other crime dramas, I've realized that Law and Order isn't alone it it's transgressions. Behold:
Things cop shows have just GOT to stop doing.
1) Cops getting angry when the FBI shows up to take over their case. Inevitably, the hero cops will break some rules to get around that stuffy FBI and crack the case. Just once, I'd like the FBI to roll in and announce they're taking over, and have the squad room breathe a sigh of relief and decide to just go get drinks instead.
2) Cops and lawyers that are so dedicated to their jobs they can't possibly have functional relationships, because WHAT IF SOMEONE GETS MURDERED? There's only 5 detectives in all of Manhattan, apparently. I get that it probably makes writing the shows easier if no one is able to function as an adult, because that opens up a lot of avenues for dating/sexual tension/marital problems. But I would appreciate it if there was a show where most cops and lawyers are happily married/partnered off/dating normally, because this shit is getting old, y'all.
3) Cops getting angry at doctors/therapists/priests who won't break confidentiality. Of *course* they won't break confidentiality, it's against the rules of their profession. Why are you continually surprised that they won't just tell you confidential information without a warrant? And when they say "I'll tell you if you get a warrant" why are you so angry that you have to get one? Getting a warrant is your FREAKING JOB. Stop acting like they're in favor of child murderer-rapists if they ask you to do your job.
4) Cops and lawyers arguing after the cops blatantly ignored procedure to procure evidence, but the cops somehow feel justified because "we know he did it." Maybe I'm biased because I'm married to a lawyer, but if you actually want someone to do time, your ducks need to be in a row. No, you can't keep talking to someone once they ask for a lawyer, and if you do, whatever you find out *should* be inadmissible. Part of the bedrock of society is that cops don't have unlimited powers, and everyone has the right to due process, even bad people. I think my biggest problem with this trope is it asks the viewer to sympathize with people who are flagrantly ignoring the Constitution because of a vague notion of "justice."
Corollary A: The evil defense lawyer who tries to get a child murderer-rapist off scott-free because they love money and don't care about the children and apparently want all the children in the world to be raped and murdered. Newsflash: a defense attorney's job isn't to get guilty people off, but to ensure that their client has a fair trial, and that no one, say, INTERVIEWED THEM WITHOUT THEIR LAWYER PRESENT EVEN THOUGH THEY ASKED FOR A LAWYER, COPS. It's not the lawyer's fault that you didn't do your job correctly, and if cops actually do their job correctly, the lawyer won't be the cops' antagonist.
Corollary B: Prosecutors do not work for cops, nor do they work that closely with them.
5) Criminal Minds specific: Stop saying "he's devolving." That doesn't mean anything. Also, it's just not humanly possible to have that many serial killers operating in the US. We'd all be dead.
6) CSI specific: Oh my god, that's not how science works. Just stop.
7) CSI specific #2: Guess who doesn't have state-of-the-art equipment and computers? Police stations.
8) CSI specific #3: Why are the forensic scientists also interviewing suspects? That makes no sense.
9) Cold Case specific: Fix this lady's hair, because it's atrocious:
Now, mostly I'm talking about Law and Order here (in all its incarnations) because that's the show I grew up watching. I used to beg to stay up late to be able to watch it, because to 9 year old me, Law and Order was the height of sophistication. I've grown up now and can see it for the formulaic mess that it actually is, but that has not lessened my love for it. I have, however, noticed a few things that I wish Law and Order would just stop-- and as I've branched out into other crime dramas, I've realized that Law and Order isn't alone it it's transgressions. Behold:
Things cop shows have just GOT to stop doing.
1) Cops getting angry when the FBI shows up to take over their case. Inevitably, the hero cops will break some rules to get around that stuffy FBI and crack the case. Just once, I'd like the FBI to roll in and announce they're taking over, and have the squad room breathe a sigh of relief and decide to just go get drinks instead.
2) Cops and lawyers that are so dedicated to their jobs they can't possibly have functional relationships, because WHAT IF SOMEONE GETS MURDERED? There's only 5 detectives in all of Manhattan, apparently. I get that it probably makes writing the shows easier if no one is able to function as an adult, because that opens up a lot of avenues for dating/sexual tension/marital problems. But I would appreciate it if there was a show where most cops and lawyers are happily married/partnered off/dating normally, because this shit is getting old, y'all.
3) Cops getting angry at doctors/therapists/priests who won't break confidentiality. Of *course* they won't break confidentiality, it's against the rules of their profession. Why are you continually surprised that they won't just tell you confidential information without a warrant? And when they say "I'll tell you if you get a warrant" why are you so angry that you have to get one? Getting a warrant is your FREAKING JOB. Stop acting like they're in favor of child murderer-rapists if they ask you to do your job.
4) Cops and lawyers arguing after the cops blatantly ignored procedure to procure evidence, but the cops somehow feel justified because "we know he did it." Maybe I'm biased because I'm married to a lawyer, but if you actually want someone to do time, your ducks need to be in a row. No, you can't keep talking to someone once they ask for a lawyer, and if you do, whatever you find out *should* be inadmissible. Part of the bedrock of society is that cops don't have unlimited powers, and everyone has the right to due process, even bad people. I think my biggest problem with this trope is it asks the viewer to sympathize with people who are flagrantly ignoring the Constitution because of a vague notion of "justice."
Corollary A: The evil defense lawyer who tries to get a child murderer-rapist off scott-free because they love money and don't care about the children and apparently want all the children in the world to be raped and murdered. Newsflash: a defense attorney's job isn't to get guilty people off, but to ensure that their client has a fair trial, and that no one, say, INTERVIEWED THEM WITHOUT THEIR LAWYER PRESENT EVEN THOUGH THEY ASKED FOR A LAWYER, COPS. It's not the lawyer's fault that you didn't do your job correctly, and if cops actually do their job correctly, the lawyer won't be the cops' antagonist.
Corollary B: Prosecutors do not work for cops, nor do they work that closely with them.
5) Criminal Minds specific: Stop saying "he's devolving." That doesn't mean anything. Also, it's just not humanly possible to have that many serial killers operating in the US. We'd all be dead.
6) CSI specific: Oh my god, that's not how science works. Just stop.
7) CSI specific #2: Guess who doesn't have state-of-the-art equipment and computers? Police stations.
8) CSI specific #3: Why are the forensic scientists also interviewing suspects? That makes no sense.
9) Cold Case specific: Fix this lady's hair, because it's atrocious:
She must have done something
horrible to her stylist.
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