Teen Wolf: This one's gonna be embarrassing

Yeah, so, Teen Wolf.  Not the Michael J. Fox movie that my husband won't turn off if he happens upon it on a Saturday afternoon, or even the lesser-loved Jason Bateman sequel, but the MTV-trying-to-be-Vampire-Diaries-mopefest.

I kind of can't stop watching it.  To the extent that as soon as I finished the first season on Netflix Instant, I watched the entire second season on MTV.com, even though their player is all kinds of buggy.

I know.



I seriously can't help it.  I was basically convinced by internet chatter that was all "Teen Wolf...it's kinda great?" and here I am, adding my voice to that dubious chorus.  It took awhile, as the first few episodes are very, very serious.  And when you're a show about a TEENAGER who turns into a WOLF and cleverly titled yourself TEEN WOLF, being serious is sort of a death sentence.  But it picked up after a few episodes, mostly because Stiles is the best and Jackson is the second best and Derek DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A HOUSE, and then one day I watched episode nine and all of a sudden I was all "OMG this show is HILARIOUS and some of it's intentional but a lot of it isn't and I sort of love this."  Deep thoughts, I know.  (Also, fair warning: this post is going to be very SHOUTY because, well, that's how Teen Wolf makes me feel.)

The basic plot is that titular teen Scott got himself bitten by a werewolf, and he's not dealing with it so well.  His best friend is Stiles, who is awesome, and he is bullied by Jackson, who is also awesome.   There's a mysterious guy named Derek who may or may not know Scott's secret (spoiler alert: he does, because he is also a werewolf.)  Scott is in love with new girl Allison, whose dad is a SECRET WEREWOLF HUNTER.  Also, there's another werewolf in town, but he is EVIL, unlike Derek, who is a GOOD WEREWOLF.  They spend most of first season trying to find the mystery wolf and accidentally framing Derek for just about everything that goes wrong.  I find this hilarious, and hereby petition that Derek gets blamed for everything that goes wrong, ever.



This is Scott, your resident TEEN WOLF.

Stiles once pointed out that his jawline is uneven,
and now I can't unsee it.

Scott is okay, but he's sort of boring and his myopic obsession with Allison is very teenager, but also boring.  He's sweet and adorable in a puppy dog-ish way, and his "evil wolf face" gives me the giggles, as does his werewolf transformation into Baby Wolverine.  Scott once got excited when he realized that he turns into a wolf when his heart rate goes up, because that means he's "just like the Incredible Hulk!" and that was likewise adorable.  He's a good straight man for Stiles as well, which is good, because I don't know if I could handle two Stiles'.  Scott lives alone with his single mom, and since Stiles' dad is also single (widowed, I think) I put the over-under for when their parents start dating at about the end of season three, give or take 4 episodes.  Also, this has confirmed my suspicions that in the teen universe, swarthy men= werewolves.


STILES: YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.

No, really.

I think Stiles is the only character that even sort of carries over from the Michael J. Fox version, as Scott's wisecracking best friend.  He's funny, smart, good at coming up with excuses for the trouble he and Scott just got into, and in love with Lydia-- Jackson-the-bully's girlfriend.  I'm not totally sure Lydia is worthy of Stiles (she's sort of a shitty friend to Allison, although Allison isn't much better) but she looks a lot like Topanga from Boy Meets World, so I get it.  Plus, Stiles is like a more-useful, less-neurotic Seth Cohen from The OC, and I love me some fast-talking nerds.  Stiles also represents my favorite thing about teen television these days: matter of fact acceptance of gay teenagers.  Stiles is straight, but he is *very* concerned about whether or not gay men would find him attractive in the same way a character 15 years ago would worry about whether or not women think he's good looking.  I don't know who deserves the credit for that (maybe Glee, back before it became an After School Special Karaoke Trainwreck?) but it makes me so happy I can't even explain it.


Allison: eh, whatever.

For the next two years, every badass teen girl is
going to be a knockoff Katniss.  Get used to it, people.

Allison is THE GIRL.  Every show has one, where every guy is instantly in love with her no matter what (see also: every character played by Rachel Bilson).  She's actually pretty cool, what with her archery prowess and ballsy tendency to ignore her rather frightening mom and her dad's terrifying veneers.  She totally flirts with Jackson though, even though she's dating Scott and Lydia (Jackson's girlfriend) is her only friend in the entire town.  She comes from a family of werewolf hunters, so I fully expect armed conflict between her and Scott before the end of season two.  Halfway through the first season her aunt shows up (her dad was not kicking sufficient werewolf ass, apparently) to demonstrate one of my major TV pet-peeves: The WB Closetalk.  The WB Closetalk is when characters are speaking to each other practically nose-to-nose: sometimes this is a substitute for sexual tension, and sometimes, I dunno, it's just how they have to stand to both fit in the shot or something.  I dubbed it the WB Closetalk because teen shows like Roswell on the old WB are repeat offenders, although it shows up all over TV.  But it BUGS me, because no one in real life would ever stand that close to someone just to have a conversation.  WB Closetalker Aunt Kate is always about 4 inches from Allison's face (and Derek's, and Stiles', and you get the picture), and I find that awkward.  I love my aunts (some of them are even reading here, so, hey) but we definitely respect each other's space, because we aren't weirdos. Anyway, Aunt Kate is a complete psychopath and Allison is fine, but loses points for being a shitty friend.


Jackson: the bad guy.  OR IS HE?

I think they ordered him directly from TeenVillains.com

Jackson starts out as your usual Teen Bully, meaning he's handsome and popular.  He's the captain of the lacrosse team, which is quite possibly the second whitest sport ever (the first being polo) and he takes that position very seriously.  He hates Scott for suddenly getting good at lacrosse, because that's his thing, dammit.  Jackson is dating Lydia, and I know I'm not doing a good job of explaining why I LOVE him, but I think it's one of those things you just have to see.  I don't know if it's the acting or the writing, but he's funny and charismatic and magnetic and an all-around delight.  I could watch him trolling Scott for hours, which is great, because that's 70% of what he does anyway.


Lydia: I like you, girl.  Let's go hang out.

Seriously.  Lydia= Topanga.

Lydia is the "bitchy queen bee with hidden layers" of the show, and she's definitely grown on me.  She's sarcastic and witty, and although she's a bit of a skank she's also really, really good at chemistry and math, so yay for unexpected character development.


Derek: King of the Lurks.

He smiled once, but it wasn't sincere.

Oh, Derek.  I know you're going for "mysterious" but it mostly comes across as "creepy."  Do you not know how to knock on a front door like a normal person?  Or can you *only* suddenly appear in the corner of teen boys' bedrooms?  Is teleporting a werewolf power?  Because that's kind of the only explanation that doesn't land you in jail for a really long time, and even that doesn't look good.  Plus, you are constantly giving people cryptic explanations and then running away, and then getting *mad* when they couldn't figure out what you meant.  Derek, sweetheart, USE YOUR WORDS.  Yes, you're handsome and take your shirt off all the time, but you also do pull-ups and push-ups shirtless while WEARING JEANS.  Because when a normal person works out, they wear pants that restrict their range of motion. I know you have a tragic past, what with your entire family dying in a fire, but I just can't take you seriously, largely because YOU LIVE IN THE BURNED OUT HUSK OF YOUR FAMILY'S HOUSE.  Derek, you have an actual LAIR.  I know you're angry that you keep getting accidentally framed for murder, but you do weird, murderer-ish things, like lurking about constantly with a scowl on your face, yelling at people you don't know, and living in the burned out husk of your family's house.  Derek, honey, IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A ROOF.


Double Extra Bonus Factor:  Colonel Tigh shows up in the second season.  WITH A SWORD.  If this doesn't make you jump for joy, go watch Battlestar Galactica, NOW.


One last caveat: there is little to no continuity or plot resolution, so don't, you know, get your hopes up that you'll figure out why a character who was previously very dead suddenly isn't, or how a random townsperson knows how to treat injured werewolves. This show has zero internal logic, as when Jackson figures out Scott is a werewolf basically by hearing about wolfsbane, despite the fact that he's never displayed any intelligence above that of a particularly ambitious toddler.  One episode even starts in medias res with a car chase, so I assumed that soon there would be a flashback to 8 hours earlier or something to explain.  But that never happened.  The flashback never came.  THE FLASHBACK NEVER CAME.


Really the last caveat:  At times, I think this show knows EXACTLY how stupid it is, and they just embrace it, and in the process reveal some pretty hilarious and nerdy wit.  At one point a villain starts ranting about Orestes and the furies, and the following exchange happens:

Villain: You don't even know who Orestes is, do you?
Scott:  ...Is he the one who married his mother?
Villain (whilst throwing things): THAT! IS! OEDIPUS!
Me: Villain, I feel you.

The quickest way to my heart is a Greek drama joke (or extensive knowledge of the Star Wars Expanded Universe), so I will eternally love this show, if only for that moment.


Verdict:  Terrible-Awesome.  (If you do watch it, make sure you check out foreveryoungadult.com and their awesome Teen Wolf recaps, done with MS Paint stick figures).