Empire Strikes Back: Liveblogging by a superfan

The title's pretty self explanatory.  Join me as I liveblog (well...sorta, since I wrote this as I watched and then posted it) the best of the three originals.  I'll be using the original theatrical release, because I'm a purist.  My husband deserves credit for some of these as well, because that man is hilarious.

And if you ask nicely, I just might do the other two as well.  Oh, who am I kidding, I probably will-- this blog is mostly for my own amusement anyway.

True Blood vs. Vampire Diaries: A Battle Royale...OF BLOOD.

Originally, I was going to do two separate posts: one on Vampire Diaries, and one on True Blood.  But as I was organizing the posts, I realized that they are essentially the same show, only one is mostly about sex and the other is mostly about high schoolers and their FEEEELINGS.  So, much like Camelot vs. Merlin, I decided to do a head to head match up and declare a winner.  Because if there's one thing I like, it's judging things and declaring winners.

Mickey Mouse Star Wars: Deep breaths, people. We'll get through this.

So, Disney bought Lucasfilm and broke the internet.  I know *exactly* the moment the deal was announced, because I got an email from my husband, my facebook blew up with people wondering if it was April Fools Day, and my twitter feed was like a nerd livetweeting his nightmare.

And I am here, as your benevolent Star Wars Overlord, to tell you that EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.

The Avengers: Why You Should Watch This Movie

So, this post goes out to one Jweigs, who HAS NOT SEEN THE AVENGERS, MAKING ME SERIOUSLY RECONSIDER OUR 20+ YEAR FRIENDSHIP.  Really, girl.  Get your shit together.

Teen Wolf: This one's gonna be embarrassing

Yeah, so, Teen Wolf.  Not the Michael J. Fox movie that my husband won't turn off if he happens upon it on a Saturday afternoon, or even the lesser-loved Jason Bateman sequel, but the MTV-trying-to-be-Vampire-Diaries-mopefest.

I kind of can't stop watching it.  To the extent that as soon as I finished the first season on Netflix Instant, I watched the entire second season on MTV.com, even though their player is all kinds of buggy.

I know.

Downton Abbey: A show tailor-made for me

First of all, if you haven't seen Downton Abbey yet: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It is, quite possibly, the bestest show in the universe (yes, better than Pretty Little Liars and Game of Thrones, and that's saying something.  That something being: I have really random taste in TV).  This show is also basically aimed right at me, since my dissertation is pretty much "Downton Abbey Goes to India" (or more specifically, "The Downton Abbey Flu Episode Goes to India") and I have a weakness for Edwardian fashion.

Once Upon a Time: I really wish you were better.

Man, I wish I could fangirl over this show.  It has SO. MUCH. POTENTIAL.

But every time I watch it, I wish I was watching a slightly different, better show.  I still watch it, but it's like when I watched the first season of Private Practice, and every time I saw Audra McDonald or Taye Diggs (both of whom are Broadway POWERHOUSES) and instead of paying attention I just kept thinking, "Why aren't you singing?  Why aren't you singing?  WHY AREN'T YOU SINGING?"  It's just like that, only instead of wondering why they aren't singing, I'm mentally rewriting it.

Minnesota Marriage Amendment: In which I wade into politics

Here's the thing.

If you're reading here, you probably know me already.  If you don't...well, hello, it's nice to meet you.  The point is, I'm a white girl from the whitest town you can imagine (in terms of population and rhythm) and my husband isn't (in terms of skin color and rhythm-- the man has got some MOVES).  Up until 1967, my own marriage would have been illegal in 16 states.  It was only through the Supreme Court case Loving vs. Virginia that laws barring interracial marriage were struck down.  If it had been left to a state-by-state popular vote, who knows how long it would have taken for my marriage be legal in all 50 states, as "disapproval" of interracial relationships is still shockingly common -- I'm looking at you, former Louisiana Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell, who in 2009 refused to sign an interracial couple's marriage license because he disapproves of interracial relationships.  (You know what I disapprove of?  Bigots like that getting to have rights, BUT THAT IS WHY RIGHTS SHOULD NOT BE LEFT TO A POPULAR VOTE).

I cannot imagine how painful that would be-- to have people look at my marriage and say "Nope.  Not allowed," and then VOTE ON IT. But that is exactly what people are trying to do in Minnesota, by putting an amendment to "preserve marriage" on the ballot this fall.  It's a horrifying thought, this idea that the love between two consenting adults is somehow threatening to all marriages everywhere.  It's unimaginably unfair to our LGBT citizens that we're even considering this amendment.  (As for civil unions, they aren't the solution either since I think we can all agree that "separate but equal" was a shitty idea the first time around).  

How incredibly, incredibly arrogant to think we deserve the right to vote on another person's relationship.  Do we really want to be putting the validity of people's marriages to a vote?  Because I'm a bitch on wheels, and I really don't think those people would want me voting on their relationships.  I don't think they'd like the outcome.  (Oh, you're a bigot?  DIVORCES ALL AROUND!)  Besides, gay marriage is *already illegal* in the state of Minnesota.  This amendment is just to make extra-super-sure that if, say, a judge looks at the current law and says "Yeah, that's discriminatory" they wouldn't be able to overturn it.  Let me repeat: gay marriage is illegal in Minnesota, but some people are so worried that gay people might, at some point in the future, be able to get married and have legally recognized families, that they want to CHANGE THE STATE'S CONSTITUTION.  This is a drastic step, and quite frankly, it's disgusting.  I simply cannot understand why allowing two adults to get married is such a threat that we need to make it doubly illegal.

EDITED TO ADD:  According to my husband's research, Alabama was the last state to reverse their ban on interracial marriages, which had been added to the state's constitution (much like Minnesota is trying to do with gay marriage).  They finally undid the ban in 2000.  The point is not to trash Alabama (this law was likely unenforced since federal supersedes state law), but to point out that once you enshrine discrimination in the state's constitution, it takes a VERY long time to undo that damage.  Let's not make our children ashamed of us, okay Minnesotans?

On a lighter note, who on *earth* could be against more weddings?  WEDDINGS ARE SUPER FUN.  Booze, dinner with your friends, and then dancing for the rest of the night while everyone is in fancy clothes.  It's like prom, but with alcohol and lifelong commitment.  Several of our LGBT friends attended our wedding, and I cannot wait to return the favor and get drunk and dance to 90s pop at theirs.  Who could possibly be against that?

As a married person, I can confidently say that no one else's marriage or divorce has had any direct impact on my own.  Also, churches don't have to perform *any* wedding they disagree with, so there can be no complaining that marriage equality would discriminate against religions.  My lapsed-Catholic self and Buddhist husband couldn't have walked into a Baptist church or a mosque and demanded that they marry us no matter what.  In fact, a church could refuse to marry us simply for being an interracial couple, and that would be their right (they'd be bigots, but it'd be legal).  In short, there is no religious component involved in a legal document.  Your church doesn't believe in gay marriage?  Fine.  They don't have to perform them.  Plus, the bible says an awful lot of things we don't believe in any more--such as slavery being A-OK.  Either the bible is right 100% of the time, or it isn't.  So what will it be, folks: bringing back slavery, or gay marriage?  Personally, I'd chose "consenting adults marrying the person of their choice" over "people getting to own other people," but that's just me.

Finally, as I said before, I can't imagine how painful it would be to have the "morality" of my relationship be put to a popular vote.  I can't imagine a world where I couldn't marry my husband, or I could, but it only counted in some states, or it's called something else entirely so as to preserve the "sanctity" of a government contract that isn't religious in any way. (At least my marriage license has exactly zero mentions of God, Jesus, or the Church; I don't know about yours.)  It would break my heart for that to happen to me, so I can't stay silent as it happens to someone else.


There's enough pain and suffering in this world.  Don't add to it.

Vote no.

Thor: Totally underrated

When Thor first came out, I was skeptical.  After all, it looked *really* stupid: a movie about a demi-god in weird futuristic armor, based on Norse mythology?  I mean, I love comic book movies and all, but this just seemed...dumb.

And then I watched it.

The Five Most Embarrassing Movies I Own, and My Reasons For Purchasing Them

5) The Cutting Edge.  Reason:  It's not so much embarrassing to own, it's that I, a figure skater with a love of romantic comedies and fictional roguish men, did not see this movie until I was in COLLEGE.

4) Troy:  Reason: Eric Bana as Hector, my Favorite Male Character in Greek Literature, Category: Epic Poems, Subcategory: Homer.  Also: Hector's wife Andromache, which is my number one "If I ever own a cat" name.

3)  High School Musical.  Reason: I'M SOARING, I'M FLYING.  THERE'S NOT A STAR IN HEAVEN THAT WE CAN'T REACH.  And the fact that Zac Efron's voice was "too manly" so they redubbed it with someone else's voice so he'd sound less sexually threatening.  That's right, ladies and gents: lock up your wives, daughters, husbands, and sons: THE ZEFRON'S HERE.

2) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.  Reason: Go to hell, George Lucas.

1) The Lizzy McGuire Movie.  Reason: Because sometimes I just need to watch Hilary Duff bop around Rome pretending to be an Italian pop star.


Honorable Mention, Because My Husband Bought Them:  Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions.  Reason:  None.  There is no goddamn reason to own these two movies.  It makes it worse that my husband and I own these two, but not the first one.  You know, THE GOOD ONE.

North and South: Pride and Prejudice and Unions

Oooh, North and South.  I forget how I found you, but I've watched you probably 4 times in the past two years.  It has everything a girl (or guy) could want: a brooding hero, a plucky heroine, misunderstandings, tension, and STRIKES.  It's like Newsies, only set 50 years earlier in a different country without singing and without Christian Bale dancing his feelings.

Okay, so it's nothing like Newsies.  But it's still AWESOME.

The Tudors: Trashy, trashy history

Oh, The Tudors.  You started out with so much promise: history, campiness, trashiness, and super over-the-top acting.  And then you decided to get serious, which: BORING.  Finishing this series felt like homework, and I'm someone who *likes* homework.  It was like they ran out of all their good ideas by the time Anne Boleyn was executed (uh, 500 year old spoiler alert?).

Things I've Learned From Law & Order

1) If I am arrested and the cops do not read me my Miranda Rights the very second they arrest me, I can confess to the crime and then go commit some more crimes and there's nothing they can do about it.

2) Alternatively, if the cops really dislike a suspect, it's totally fine for them to beat said suspect up.

3) Science is literally magic.

4) Psychologists are mind readers, and people with mental illnesses always present textbook symptoms, and ONLY textbook symptoms.
       4b) If I am arrested for a crime I hope B.D. Wong doesn't question me, because all he'd have to do is make his concerned-face-with-furrowed-brow and I'd start crying and reveal everything and then ask him for a hug.

5) The Manhattan SVU's hallway to the elevators is a super dangerous place, as about twice a year a grieving family member murders a suspect there.
      5b) In fact, stay out of the Manhattan SVU altogether, as THEY ONCE GOT BOMBED BY A PIZZA.

6) Elliott Stabler is kind of unstable, but apparently that makes him a phenomenal cop.

7) The layout of all of New York.  I've never been there, but I'm 75% sure I know where everything is and that it will only take about 5 minutes to get there, no matter where I start from.
      7b) When experiencing an emergency in New York, the best thing to do is call a cop you met once and wait for them to get there.  You will be dead when they arrive, but that will give them 30 more minutes of plot.

8) Ice-T is a cop now.

9) Cops shoot people all the time, and the therapy they have to attend later is bullshit that keeps them from doing their jobs.
    9b) Sometimes though, it has amazing relevance to the case they're investigating.

10)  Jack McCoy is the greatest lawyer that ever lawyered (with the exception of my husband, of course).




For real though, I respect Law and Order way more than other cop shows.  My attorney husband can't even be in the room with me when I'm watching it, which is a shame, because it is great TV comfort food.  In fact, I was sick earlier this summer and I spent most of a day laying on the couch watching Law and Order SVU on netflix, because I could drift in and out of consciousness and still follow the plot (granted, I've already seen every episode).  However, I distinguish Law and Order from crap like CSI because unlike those shows, Law and Order seems to take it's job of "educating" the public seriously, particularly SVU.  That show has done a really great job of bringing sexual assault out into the open, and showing people that even prostitutes get raped, or that many rapes are perpetrated by long-term partners, but that doesn't make it okay, and that men can be the victims of rape too.  It might sound facile-- and there's the whole "benefitting from our society's lurid fascination with sex and murder" thing to take into account-- but if you think about it, nearly every episode of SVU has a scene where the detectives sit around the squad room listing facts and debating the case.  Sometimes it's statistics about child abuse, or AIDS transmission, or domestic violence, and then one detective (usually Munch or Ice-T) brings up the usual doubts: is she lying?  Could he/she be doing this for attention?  Is this [completely overacted mental illness] real?  Then another detective (usually Olivia) responds with *more* statistics and a heartfelt plea to take the victim seriously.  In an age where a shocking amount of people (and public figures) think women make up rape claims at the drop of the hat, I think SVU does a lot of good in showing just how vulnerable we all are to sexual assault, and that *no one* deserves it.  If you think about Law and Order as a schlocky and kind of manipulative public service announcement, it gets a lot better-- as long as you realize that their presentation of the legal process is pretty much bullshit.

10 Things I Hate About You: The TV Show

It is a fact universally acknowledged that 10 Things I Hate About You is the best teen movie of all time.

 Kat Stratford was a prickly, self-righteous, sort of mean leading lady, and man, she spoke to me-- a self-righteous and sort of mean teenager.  (I was just emerging from my no-friends* era of middle school, and Kat's disdain for the popular kids gave me an extra layer of self-defense that every friendless girl adopts because it means she's choosing to not have friends).

Patrick Verona was a dreamboat.

It was a match made in angry nerd-girl heaven.

So I was more than a little apprehensive when I heard that the Middle School Girl Channel (aka ABC Family) was making a TV show out of my beloved movie.  However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that while the show stays true to the theme of the movie, it quickly developed into its own thoroughly enjoyable little show that really deserved more than one season.

*Disclaimer:  I did have some friends in middle school, it was just that they mostly didn't go to my school where I was a literal pariah for all of 7th grade.  To the few kids (at my school and otherwise) who did stick with me through that, I am forever grateful.  I don't mean to be a downer, but I do want those people to know just how much their friendship meant to me during an incredibly difficult time.  I probably didn't acknowledge that at the time, but I should have.

How to avoid Godwin's Law-ing yourself: A Handy Guide to Political Arguments

Okay, look.  I'm going to try very hard and keep this relatively non-partisan, because the fault lies on both sides.  But if there's one thing I hate, it's historically inaccurate name-calling.  As the political season heats up, I'm seeing more and more mistakes of that kind, and it is, quite frankly, driving me bonkers.  I don't mind political discussions, but I do mind when those political discussions get derailed by poorly thought out buzzwords that do not mean what you think they mean.

Also, for those of you not up with current internet lingo:  Godwin's Law states that the first person to invoke Nazis in a fight automatically loses.

Doctor Who: Irrefutable Proof I'm a Nerd

I really, really like Britain.  It's what I'm writing my dissertation on (well, mostly), and when it's disgustingly hot out I love nothing more than watching British murder mysteries and pretending that it's actually 50 degrees and rainy.  I'm also a huge nerd.  So it's kind of weird that it took me so long to get into Doctor Who, which is one of (if not the) longest running shows in Britain.  I haven't seen the "classic" version of Doctor Who because there's like 40 million seasons and I just don't have that kind of attention span, but I *have* seen most of the new version, which began in 2005.  It's impossible to describe the show without sounding like a massive dork, but I'll do my best.

Stupid Things I'm Excited About

1) REVENGE returning to TV this fall.  Because who doesn't love vengeance sprees?  Especially when said revenger is a kick-ass, stone-cold bitch?  Also, I'd like to place an order for a bisexual billionaire best friend like Nolan.  He might be a sociopath, but he's damn funny.


2) This video: Wrong Direction 

It combines all my favorite things: One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful (poetry, those lyrics), politics, cleverness, arials into a pool, and good looking men.  No, I have no idea why it's so gay.  BUT I LIKE IT.



3) Revolution, the new J.J. Abrams show on NBC.  I am excited because a) who *doesn't* love a good post-apocalyptic setting? b) LOST was the bomb c) archery! sword fighting! and d) I really like seeing nerds on the internet lose their shit about the improbability of the scenario.  "Oh, there's no more energy?  What, did FRICTION suddenly stop working?"  Newsflash, dudes: it's called science fiction.  It is, by its nature, improbable.  It's like when you try to figure out how hyperspace works in Star Wars-- if we knew how it worked (and it worked totally in accordance with the laws of physics), WE COULD ACTUALLY DO IT.


4)  Bunheads getting a second season.  Look, until Netflix gets its shit together and puts Gilmore Girls on Instant Watch, Bunheads is all I've got.  Plus: Sutton Foster!


5)  ROCKETEER REBOOT!  This is, quite possibly, the best thing I've heard all week.  The Rocketeer is one of the most underrated movies of all time.  I had a hunch I just might end up marrying my husband when I discovered that not only did he share my love of this movie, he already owned it.  If you haven't seen it, do so.  Come for the pretty 1930s clothes, stay for the hilarious third act Nazi reveal, complete with ridiculous accent.



6) With reservation:  The Red Dawn remake being released this fall.  If you haven't seen the original, it's a jingoistic libertarian fever dream of a movie about high school kids (and The Swayze) fighting off Commies who have taken over Colorado.  It is simultaneously hilariously patriotic and incredibly depressing as pretty much everyone dies.  I am sort of excited for the remake, as it looks from the trailer they are dropping the "war is hell, you'll watch your friends die" motif and going with an "America!  Fuck Yeah!" motif instead, made extra hilarious by the fact that Hemsworth the Greater can barely conceal his Australian accent and the villains are North Koreans, because you know who we should be scared of?  A country that can't even build a missile.  Plus, this movie literally has everyone:  Thor (aka Hemsworth the Greater), Peeta, that guy who died on Grey's Anatomy, Tyra from Friday Night Lights, and Tasha from Home and Away, the Australian soap that Hemsworth the Greater also starred in (she was also in a Transformers movie, but Home and Away is way less embarrassing).  Apparently, Hemsworth the Greater started working out for Thor while filming this movie, and he is drastically different sizes depending on when scenes were filmed.  In short: ridiculous villains, bad accents, explosions, and little-to-no introspection on the way America appears to the rest of the world?  I AM IN.

Princess Movies: Superheroes with better clothes and less vigilantism.

So, since I've started this blog I've come to realize my taste in movies and TV falls largely into two categories:  sci-fi/fantasy, and teenybopper bullshit (I suppose "High Camp" could also be a category, but that's less of a type of entertainment and more of a way of life).

I make no apologies for this, as those two categories are infinitely entertaining.

Anyways, lately I've been burning through a whole mess of Young Adult fiction (thanks to Katie F. for providing most of it) and I decided to rewatch the Princess Diaries movies.  I'd seen them when they came out and vaguely remembered liking them (although the first is far superior to the second, for reasons I'll get to in a moment), and then figured I'd throw in a review of The Prince and Me, because what the hell, I like Julia Stiles AND it's set in Wisconsin.

An Ode to LOST: A show that made me cry approximately 1,000 times

Oh, LOST.  You are quite possibly the most addicting show I've ever seen, and that includes Pretty Little Liars and Battlestar Galactica.  You made me happy, sad, angry, and really, really annoyed several times over, and even when you had an episode entirely on Nikki and Paolo (ugh, those two) I couldn't quit you.

Pretty Little Liars: Great show, or GREATEST show?

You guys.

You guys.

YOU GUYS.

Dean vs. Jess vs. Logan: An academic investigation into the models of masculinity within Gilmore Girls and the relative suitability of each man's relationship with Rory Gilmore

Camelot vs. Merlin: In which I review two shows, one I watched a year ago and the other I've watched for 15 episodes

First, a disclaimer.  As you can see from the title of this post, this is going to be a little ad hoc.  I watched Camelot when it was still on Netflix Instant (I think it was originally on Starz?  Maybe Showtime?), which was at least a year ago, and I really didn't like it enough to rewatch it for this, so I'm a little hazy on the details.  I've also only watched maybe 15 episodes of Merlin so far, so keep that in mind as well.  I plan on judging the shows in head to head combat on their various merits, interpretations of characters, and presence of James Purefoy.  Without further ado, Camelot vs. Merlin: a Battle Royale between two kind of crappy King Arthur shows.

Just stop it: My issues with cop and lawyer shows.

I love crime dramas.  LOVE THEM.  They are my favorite thing to watch when I don't feel like thinking, because you always know the general trajectory of the episode.  The person they arrest in the first 10 minutes?  Innocent, unless they turn out to be the real culprit after several shocking twists.  Famous guest star?  Totally guilty.  Slightly creepy acquaintance of the victim who keeps turning up in the investigation?  Definitely the murderer.  Case gets tossed out of court on a technicality?  The heroes will find a way to trick the murderer into confessing.  In short, crime dramas are simple and predictable in a comforting way, and that's why they are so popular.

Now, mostly I'm talking about Law and Order here (in all its incarnations) because that's the show I grew up watching.  I used to beg to stay up late to be able to watch it, because to 9 year old me, Law and Order was the height of sophistication.  I've grown up now and can see it for the formulaic mess that it actually is, but that has not lessened my love for it.  I have, however, noticed a few things that I wish Law and Order would just stop-- and as I've branched out into other crime dramas, I've realized that Law and Order isn't alone it it's transgressions.  Behold:

Things cop shows have just GOT to stop doing.

1) Cops getting angry when the FBI shows up to take over their case.  Inevitably, the hero cops will break some rules to get around that stuffy FBI and crack the case.  Just once, I'd like the FBI to roll in and announce they're taking over, and have the squad room breathe a sigh of relief and decide to just go get drinks instead.

2) Cops and lawyers that are so dedicated to their jobs they can't possibly have functional relationships, because WHAT IF SOMEONE GETS MURDERED?  There's only 5 detectives in all of Manhattan, apparently.  I get that it probably makes writing the shows easier if no one is able to function as an adult, because that opens up a lot of avenues for dating/sexual tension/marital problems.  But I would appreciate it if there was a show where most cops and lawyers are happily married/partnered off/dating normally, because this shit is getting old, y'all.
           
3) Cops getting angry at doctors/therapists/priests who won't break confidentiality.  Of *course* they won't break confidentiality, it's against the rules of their profession.  Why are you continually surprised that they won't just tell you confidential information without a warrant?  And when they say "I'll tell you if you get a warrant" why are you so angry that you have to get one?  Getting a warrant is your FREAKING JOB.  Stop acting like they're in favor of child murderer-rapists if they ask you to do your job.

4) Cops and lawyers arguing after the cops blatantly ignored procedure to procure evidence, but the cops somehow feel justified because "we know he did it."  Maybe I'm biased because I'm married to a lawyer, but if you actually want someone to do time, your ducks need to be in a row.  No, you can't keep talking to someone once they ask for a lawyer, and if you do, whatever you find out *should* be inadmissible.  Part of the bedrock of society is that cops don't have unlimited powers, and everyone has the right to due process, even bad people.  I think my biggest problem with this trope is it asks the viewer to sympathize with people who are flagrantly ignoring the Constitution because of a vague notion of "justice."
             Corollary A: The evil defense lawyer who tries to get a child murderer-rapist off scott-free because they love money and don't care about the children and apparently want all the children in the world to be raped and murdered.  Newsflash: a defense attorney's job isn't to get guilty people off, but to ensure that their client has a fair trial, and that no one, say, INTERVIEWED THEM WITHOUT THEIR LAWYER PRESENT EVEN THOUGH THEY ASKED FOR A LAWYER, COPS.  It's not the lawyer's fault that you didn't do your job correctly, and if cops actually do their job correctly, the lawyer won't be the cops' antagonist.
              Corollary B: Prosecutors do not work for cops, nor do they work that closely with them.

5) Criminal Minds specific: Stop saying "he's devolving."  That doesn't mean anything.  Also, it's just not humanly possible to have that many serial killers operating in the US.  We'd all be dead.

6) CSI specific: Oh my god, that's not how science works.  Just stop.

7) CSI specific #2: Guess who doesn't have state-of-the-art equipment and computers?  Police stations.

8) CSI specific #3: Why are the forensic scientists also interviewing suspects?  That makes no sense.

9) Cold Case specific: Fix this lady's hair, because it's atrocious:

She must have done something

horrible to her stylist.

Things I've cried at that are embarrassing

1. The end of Captain America
2. The beginning of Star Trek
3. Roughly 10 minutes of the last Harry Potter*
4. Google's It Gets Better commercial
5. A McDonald's Olympic commercial
6. Extreme Home Makeover
7. Every Jin and Sun episode of LOST*
8. At least one episode of Revenge
9. The series finale of Dawson's Creek
10. Several times during The Hunger Games*

*These things aren't embarrassing because I cried (after all, they are all well-written and intended to be emotional) but because I didn't just get teary-eyed so much as full-on ugly cry for 10+ minutes.

Game of Thrones, Part 3: Spoileriffic Edition

For this (hopefully final) edition of "Things I love about Game of Thrones," I'm not going to bother with spoiler warnings or keeping things super vague.  This post is about characters I'm most excited to see in the next season, which is inherently spoilery anyway.  So if you don't want to get spoiled for books 3-5 (and accompanying seasons), I suggest not reading this one at all.

Game of Thrones Part 2: At least this will be shorter than the books

This post will cover the characters I should mention, even though I only sort of care what happens to them, and miscellaneous characters that I like enough to mention but aren't my total faves.

Once again, I've read all the books, and after you have it's sort of hard to talk about the show like you haven't.  So to avoid spoilers, here's the plan: I will make vague references to the books and future character arcs, and then include footnote explanations.  If you don't want to be spoiled for any of the books or future seasons, don't read the footnotes.  However, I will also assume you've seen both seasons (even though HBO suuuuucks when it comes to making this show available) so if you haven't finished second season, maybe wait until you have to read this post.

Game of Thrones: Mean Girls with beheadings

They would never cancel Game of Thrones!  It's a cross over hit!  It's not just for fantasy enthusiasts-- they tell human stories in a fantasy world."
                                                                         --Ben Wyatt, Parks and Rec.


Note: I've read all the books, and once you have it's sort of hard to talk about the show like you haven't.  So to avoid spoilers, here's the plan: I will make vague references to the books and future character arcs, and then include footnote explanations.  If you don't want to be spoiled for any of the books or future seasons, don't read the footnotes.  However, I will also assume you've seen both seasons (even though HBO suuuuucks when it comes to making this show available) so if you haven't finished second season, maybe wait until you have to read this post.

Note #2:  So I started typing this, and realized that it would be crazy-long if I talked about *everything* I wanted to cover.  So, I'll do this in a series of three: today, season one and current favorites, then "the mehs" or characters I feel obligated to mention but don't care that much about, and ending with "upcoming favorites," which could also be titled "This post is going to get very spoilery, very fast."


So: Game of Thrones. If you haven't watched it yet, YOU SHOULD. (Except for you, Mom and Dad, because it's really gory and depressing, and I don't think you'd like it.)  But for the rest of you, put that shit at the top of your Netflix queue, like, yesterday.  It's a hard show to summarize, but basically it's a medieval world based on the War of the Roses, with dragons.  And since it's HBO: a lot, a lot of boobs.  Like Ben Wyatt said, it tells human stories in a fantasy setting-- if you consider incest, betrayal, and incomprehensible political machinations to be "human stories," which I think is debatable.  (Explanatory note:  The Seven Kingdoms are on the continent of Westeros, which looks like England flipped on a vertical axis but is actually the size of South America.  That's why it takes so goddamn long to get places).  There are four main families playing "the game of thrones:"  the honorable-to-a-fault Starks, the wealthy, scheming, and occasionally incestuous Lannisters, the boring and sometimes gay Baratheons, and the insane and totally inbred Targaryens.  The Starks, Lannisters, and Baratheons are fighting over the right to rule Westeros, while the last living Targaryen wanders around the desert on a different continent with the only living dragons in the world.  There's also an imminent ice-zombie invasion gathering in the north, so there's, you know, a lot going on.  I struggled with how to write this, because it's hard to make fun of this show-- it's just. so. good.  Then I realized I can still make fun of the characters and their stupid choices, and I was back in business.

Season One Favorites:

Ned Stark:

You would, Ned.

I don't have much to say about Ned-- I mostly just wanted to use this picture.  Ned Stark, I love you, but you're a moron.

Khal Drogo:

Hello, I'm an uncomfortable

 racial stereotype.

I also don't have too much to say about Khal Drogo, although I think Jason Momoa did a great job with a difficult character.  I mean, he's raping a main character in the first episode (sure, they're married and it's "expected of her," but it's still awful) so he's sort of hard to like.  Still, Drogo's main purpose is as a badass, in which case: mission accomplished.  Also, we should give Momoa a hand for the amount of pushups he clearly had to do.

Viserys Targaryen:

My face is just naturally creepy, okay?

Oh, Viserys.  YOU SO CRAZY.  And not adorable crazy, but totally and completely nuts, in a way that's still compelling to watch.  You also win for best death in the first season, because whoa, that was intense, even for this series.  Also, I wanted an excuse to use this meme, which is hilarious.

Current Favorites:

All the Stark kids, except for Bran (sorry Bran.)

Robb Stark:

There are literally thousands of photos of

this guy looking crazy-handsome.

Honestly, Robb is only a so-so character for me.  He's honest and noble like his dad, and his storyline as a boy king struggling with his duties is moderately compelling, but when all is said and done, there's not much to him.  But when you have a face like that, you get to be as boring as you want.

Jon Snow:

Hands down, the best hair in Westeros.

Ned Stark's bastard son, (1) Jon Snow hasn't done much other than join the celibate warriors in the Night's Watch, but I love him and his great hair, constant emo-face be damned.  If this were real life, I'd probably roll my eyes at him and make a joke about listening to way too much Dashboard Confessional, but it isn't, so I'll love him and his mopey-ness anyway.  His arc in the third book is awesome, and "Edd, fetch me a block" is one of the few fist-pump worth moments in the series (2).  Okay, so maybe he should go in "upcoming favorites" but this is my blog and I want him to go in current favorites, so shut up.  Also: that hair.  

Sansa Stark:

Second best hair in Westeros.

Like her bastard brother, Sansa hasn't done much yet except accidentally betray Ned, get treated horribly by the Lannisters, and be awkwardly hit on by her mother's childhood friend. (Gross, Littlefinger, GROSS).  However, I think Sophie Turner has done a wonderful job showing Sansa's transformation from naive little girl to world-weary woman who is rightfully frightened by the people around her.

Arya Stark:

What she lacks in great hair, she makes up in

sheer awesomeness.

If Arya isn't one of your favorite characters, I don't think we're watching the same show.  She's a fierce survivor, and the absolute boss of everything.  Her interactions with Tywin and Jaqen H'ghar are the highlight of the show, no question, although Arya, Hot Pie, and Gendry hanging out together is a close second. (3)  Arya Stark for president of everything, ever.

Rickon Stark:

Rickon's sort of a psychopath.

Rickon's only here because of that scene where he's smashing walnuts like he's killing people.  Bravo, craziest Stark, bravo.

Tyrion Lannister:

Fun fact: Peter Dinklage is also in my favorite

episode of 30 Rock.

Like Arya, Tyrion is everyone's favorite.  He's witty, charming, and just the tiniest bit vulnerable.  His "Those are brave men outside.  Let's go kill them" speech is a great part of an already awesome episode, and Tyrion's interactions with Bronn, Cersei, and pretty much everyone provide some much needed humor in a very bleak series.  You know how I know he's everyone's favorite?  I may or may not have heard some of my friends chanting "Tyrion Lannister!" at a bar like it was a war cry.  Tyrion: favorite of slightly-drunk 20 somethings everywhere.

Cersei Lannister:

Boo, you whore.

I cannot get enough of Cersei Lannister.  Yes, she's horrible, and having an incestuous relationship with her twin brother, and her son Joffrey makes Jeffrey Dahmer seem like a pleasant dinner companion.  But she's basically Regina George, if Regina had the power to murder her enemies.  But Cersei seems sort of aware of the mess she's made (at least on the show; she's more unhinged in the books), and I like self-aware Cersei.  Also, the scene in Blackwater (Season 2, episode 9) where she's telling Sansa what might happen if the city falls is unbelievably good.  Mostly I just enjoy her mean-girling of Sansa, even though I like Sansa, because it makes me laugh.

Okay, that's (finally) it for my current and past favorite characters.  Up next: characters I only sort of like, such as Bran.  Sorry, Bran, but you're boring.

***Spoilery footnotes***

(1)  There's an excellent fan theory that Jon is not Ned's son, but rather Lyanna's (Ned's deceased sister)  with Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenarys' deceased oldest brother and former heir to the throne, before King Robert led a rebellion against Rhaegar's father, and jesus this show is hard to explain).  Since the books are called "A Song of Ice and Fire," this indicates that Jon might be *the* song: he would be part ice (Stark) and part fire (Targaryen).  This makes a lot of sense, because can you really see Ned Stark breaking his marriage vows?  It seems...unlikely.

(2)  One of the men who helped kill Ned Stark (named Janos Slynt) is sent to the Wall.  After a whole bunch of awesomeness and shenanigans, Jon is named Lord Commander of the Night's Watch.  Slynt defies one of his commands and Jon orders him hanged for treason, but then stops himself and it looks like Jon might pardon Slynt.  But then he says "Edd, fetch me a block" and chops Slynt's motherfucking head off.

(3)  In the books, Arya never meets Tywin Lannister, and her whole storyline in the second book is much bleaker.  This is my favorite change from the books, because of *course* Tywin would respect Arya's intelligence and survive-at-all-costs nature, and their wary bonding was a joy to watch.  This change also cuts down on the endless "Arya wanders the riverlands, witnessing atrocities" storyline, which is rough-- and her upcoming storyline is even rougher, so I think this was a wise choice.

Smash: Watching a show you sort of hate

God, what’s wrong with this show, and why can’t I stop watching?  Why do 90% of these people suck so much?  And why, why can’t it be better?  There’s so much wrong with it, and then there's these little flashes of “Hey, I’d watch THAT show, can we please have a show that is Ivy and Tom being bitchy and funny, with occasional appearances from Asshole British Director?”  Because that show would rule.  Mostly, the problem is the characters—I just can’t bring myself to care about any of these people.  LOST (sorry, it must be typed in all caps) wasn’t a huge hit because people loved the mystery (well, that was a big part of it, but if I don’t get to my point this post will never be done) but because you cared deeply about all the characters.  Except Kate, because she’s the worst. But on Smash, the people are assholes that we’re apparently supposed to like because they’re brilliant, but we're given no reason to like them other than their supposed brilliance.  This is going to be long, so brace yourself, because I have so many thoughts about this show it's sort of insane.  I'm not including photos in this one either, because people probably have more familiarity with Smash than Legend of the Seeker, and also because I don't have anything funny to say about the photos this time around.

First, the good:

Tom:  He’s a charmer.  At first, I didn’t like him since he’d clearly hired Ellis (UGH, ELLIS GO AWAY) just because Ellis is hot, and if Ellis were a woman I’d be creeped out, so why was Tom’s creepiness towards Ellis played off as adorable?  But they seemed to have dropped that bit, thank god, and Tom is pretty much the only mostly non-repulsive character this show has got. 

            Subcategory to Tom: The gay relationships are approached seriously and pretty much the same way that straight ones are normally portrayed on TV, with a minimal amount of back-patting.

Verdict: More Tom!

Asshole British Director:  His name’s Derrick or something, but mostly he’s just there to be a dick, and then sometimes hallucinate Karen (Katherine McPhee) as Marilyn Monroe as a substitute for meaningful character development and/or plot.  He loses points for the gross  “I tried to get you to have sex with me to get the part” thing, but then he apologized?  Sort of?  It was more of a “Yeah, sorry I thought I could get away with it because I usually do” than an actual apology, but at least he vaguely knows it was a totally horrible thing to do.  He loses even more points for passing over Ivy in favor of Karen, which was a terrible decision.  Still, he's fairly hilarious and appears to be the only person who *knows* he sucks and owns it.

Verdict: About the same amount of Asshole British Director, but with less tripping on shrooms, or whatever that was.

Ivy: She’s the best.  Seriously, can this show just be her, being sort of bitchy but also weirdly endearing? Plus, she totes deserves Marilyn more than Karen, AND she looks waaay more like Marilyn anyway, unless I’ve gone crazy and Marilyn Monroe was actually 5’10 and willowy.  She loses points for sleeping with Dev, but that's more on Dev anyway, and I like her so much I'm willing to overlook an awful lot.

Verdict:  All Ivy, all the time.

The Meh:

The Boyfriends, aka Dev and Batman-voice the bartender:  First of all, I was really happy to see that they’d cast an actor of South Asian descent to play the leading lady’s boyfriend.  Yay diversity, and yay for him not being an engineer!  But boo to his stupid subplot about city politics, because no one cares.  This is a show about Broadway, people.  Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  And then he went and slept with Ivy after panic-proposing to Karen, and now I'm just straight up done with him.  As for Batman-voice, I don’t really have an opinion other than: why does he talk like that?  Is he doing that on purpose?  If so, why?

Verdict:  Either let Dev be a sweet and supportive boyfriend, or ditch him.  I don’t want to watch another episode of him getting mad at Karen for not texting him important information about her whereabouts/arrival times, because 1) responsible adults in functional relationships don’t pull that shit, KAREN, and 2) it’s boring and has been done to death on TV.  As for Batman-voice, whatever, I don’t care. 

The Bad:

Ellis:  Ellis, I hate you and your poorly defined, grasping, stupid character.  I don’t know why Anjelica Huston bothers with you and your shenanigans.  Either get a purpose, or get lost.

Verdict: UGH.  GO AWAY.

Anjelica Huston:  This breaks my heart, it really does, because Anjelica Huston is absolutely amazeballs in everything and also looks a lot like my second grade teacher (who was likewise absolutely amazeballs at everything) but she’s just boring here.  She’s…going through a difficult divorce?  Okay, maybe I’d care more if we found out why she stayed with her husband for so long, but since he’s so awful, it makes her look stupid.  And no one should make Anjelica look stupid.

Verdict:  Fix this, Smash writers.  Anjelica deserves better.

Karen:  Uh, did anybody on the show check to see if Katherine McPhee could act before hiring her?  Because it would appear that no, she can’t, which makes the whole “Ivy’s good, but Karen’s SO AMAZING” shit look really, really stupid, when Ivy’s knocking it out of the park week after week and Karen’s just… there.  Look, it’s entirely possible that Katherine McPhee is a lovely person with heretofore untapped reservoirs of talent, but if you’re going to set someone up as the up-and-comer who will knock the veteran off her perch, maybe make sure the up-and-comer *actually is* better than the veteran.  Otherwise, pick someone terrible to play the vet and make your star look good.  Also, stop hitting the “Midwesterners are so nice and naïve” beats quite so hard.  We’re not *all* nice, nor are we all country bumpkins.  Could we please have a show where the girl from the sticks is actually a conniving bitch?  Because that would be interesting.  I'm just going to pretend that she didn't end up as Marilyn, because that was ridiculous.

Verdict:  Kill her off and let Megan Hilty play both roles.  TEAM IVY!

The OMG TERRIBLE:

Everything to do with Debra Messing’s character, who my brain insists on calling Grace:  Wow, is she unlikeable.  This shouldn’t be a dealbreaker (Don Draper is pretty horrible too, but I still love Mad Men) but she’s so purposelessly unlikeable.  She had an affair because... the dude wanted her to?  And don’t even get me started on whoever-played-Joe-DiMaggio and his whole “Sure, I have a lovely family and a wife that supports me, but I’d rather dick around with this lady until she decides not to anymore” shtick.  This whole plot did nothing to add to Not-Grace’s character, unless the character they were going for is “Thoughtless rich lady destroys her family on a whim; now feel bad for her.”

            Subcategory to Not-Grace:  Her kid and that stupid adoption plot (which is now over, I think?)  What is WRONG with her kid?   I was 17 not that long ago, and I do not recognize his reactions as remotely teenage-like, or even all that human.  Nor would any self-respecting teenager I know throw those sorts of babyish temper tantrums over not getting a baby sister.  Do the writers not know any teenagers?  Were they never teenagers themselves?  Was the character supposed to be an 8 year old but they couldn’t get the right permits?

Verdict: Stop making Not-Grace so terrible.  Pretend her family all died in a firey car crash, let her have one episode being sad about it, and then NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN.  Then, she can bang whomever she likes consequence free, and maybe she won’t seem so terrible.  This solution has the added bonus of getting rid of her son, unless they are planning a reveal where he's actually an alien, improvising his idea of human behavior. (Note: this would be awesome, but probably won't happen).

So after that whole mess, you're probably wondering why I bother to watch this show.  You're in good company, because I wonder that myself sometimes  often.  I think it's because there are flashes of awesome mixed in with the trainwreck, and the music is solid.  I do wonder why there's a number called "20th Century Fox Mambo" instead of "20th Century Fox Trot" which would make so much more sense, but whatever.  I think it's the fact that this shows promise, and I *want* it to be good (or at least not terrible).  Plus, it's not like Glee where it started out so great, and then went so completely off the rails that now it hurts to watch.

Overall verdict: Entertaining in a trainwreck but occasionally good sort of way.

Legend of the Seeker: Let's all prance around New Zealand with a sword

I've been debating what show to start with, and then the other night I was babysitting  (hi Ali!) and started rewatching Legend of the Seeker on Netflix, and I was all: BINGO.  (Sidenote:  I really wish Netflix Instant didn't have that "recently watched" feature, because when you have terrible taste like me, you'd really rather *not* be reminded that you spent an entire day watching nothing but Saved by the Bell, Dawson's Creek, and Drop Dead Diva.  Or in this particular case, when you watch something stupid on someone else's Netflix, and then they'll know that the person with whom they entrusted their child watched several episodes of a show my mom would call "dippy.")

But back to Legend of the Seeker.  Y'all, I love this show so much it's embarrassing.  It's a fantasy show (based on a series of books that I haven't read, and let's face it-- probably never will) where the good people always win, and the bad people helpfully wear black and blood-red, in case you didn't know they were EVIL.  It's entirely possible that the books are well-crafted and nuanced explorations of good and evil in a psuedo-medieval setting, but the show itself is pretty much an anvil in TV form.  People say things like "We're fighting for HOPE!" and "You can't kill a woman for speaking her mind!" and "Killing this baby would be EVIL!"  The stakes are so low, it's comforting.  The main characters will never die, the bad guys lose (unless it's the first half of a two-parter), and by the end of the episode you've learned a helpful lesson like "Freedom of speech is good" or "Killing babies is bad, even if they might grow up to be evil."  It's not like Game of Thrones, where someone can accidentally get her dad beheaded.  The worst that will happen is a character you met at the start of the episode will die by the end, but you pretty much knew that would happen anyway.  I think a lot of my affection for the show comes from the fact that it's a good, old-fashioned Saturday afternoon action-adventure show, and exactly no one on it thinks they're making Mad Men.  But on to the characters!

Meet Richard:
Richard is your basic "reluctant hero with a quest" and he makes this face a lot:

He's also very bad at buttoning his shirt.  Well played,

costumers.  Well played.

Richard carries a sword called the Sword of TRUTH (capitalization mine, because that's how I say it in my head), and is the first "Seeker" in a thousand years, which means he's really good at fighting and also maybe has magical powers if the episode needs some deus ex machina action.  People are constantly recognizing him because he carries the Sword of TRUTH, which looks like a regular sword to me, so I don't get how that works.  Richard spends most of his time whining about his mission and then accepting it, only to revert back to reluctant hero at the start of the next episode.  He also takes a lot of flying leaps into battle, which look awesome, and has totally anachronistic views about free speech for a dude from an alternate-universe Middle Ages.  He's completely in love with Kahlan.


Hi Kahlan! (pronounced Kay-lin, which makes no sense to me):

There's no wind-- her hair is just naturally like that.

She's Richard's spiritual guide and also his bodyguard, and she wears a pretty white dress that is totally impractical for fighting, if you ask me.

                      It also has a hood for formal occasions and impromptu Eminem rap battles.

Kahlan is part of an all-female order called the Confessors, which means she can tell when people are lying and also magically compel people (maybe just men? I don't know if it works on women) to be her slaves.  Once compelled, you lose your sense of self and can't lie to your Confessor.  This is alternately portrayed as a huge, complex moral dilemma and as no big deal if she uses it battle.  Which she does.  All the time.  Anyway, her powers are so dangerous that she and Richard can never be together, because if he gets accidentally compelled during sex then he won't be the Seeker and their world will be DOOMED.  Naturally, this leads to lots of DRAMA and LONGING, and it's excellent.  Despite the actress playing Kahlan being far better at acting than the guy playing Richard, they have nice chemistry.  Their  unrequited love is probably my favorite part of the series.


This is Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander, which sounds like a name a 13 year old would create for a sorcerer:

I call him Dumbledalf.

He's a Wizard of the First Order, which is apparently a big deal and means he can shoot fire from his hands.  He's another one of Richard's guardians, and is sometimes helpful but usually just serves as exposition and comic relief.  He's not very funny, and I sort of hate him.


Meet Darken Rahl, your evil overlord:

Severus Snape?  Is that you?

He's your basic Big Bad, and tried to have Richard killed as a baby in an event that is not at all parallel to Herod's slaughter of innocents in the bible, no sir.  Darken Rahl spends a lot of time lounging around his castle, cursing that pesky Seeker and wondering if his name could possibly sound any more evil. (Spoiler alert: it can't.)  He also has fabulous hair.


In the second season (of two), Cara shows up:

Cara is the whore half of the virgin/whore

dichotomy that is clearly at work here.

Cara is a reformed Mord-Sith, who are Darken Rahl's evil group of, uh, dominatrixes.  She carries a not-at-all-phallic club that induces extreme pain in anyone that touches it, including herself.  There's actually a pretty weird/interesting depiction of women in this universe, in the sense that women are portrayed as having far more self-control and innate morality than men. (Careful: the fall from that pedestal is really gonna hurt.)  Cara's main job is to be really good at fighting and to inspire an awful lot of slashfic involving her and Kahlan.




That's basically it for characters.  There are very few long-term recurring characters, which makes it easy to follow along.  Again, Game of Thrones, this ain't.  But, if you feel like some low-stakes action-adventure with a heaping dose of angst from unrequited love, it's pretty great.  Plus, it's only two seasons so it's not like it's a major investment of your time.

Verdict: Terrible-Awesome.

So, I'm starting a blog.

I looked around the internet today, and I thought: you know the internet needs?  More people talking about TV.  So I thought I'd rectify that gaping hole in internet pop culture blogs, and start this one.

This has a dual purpose, in that I'm starting out on the (very scary) process of writing a dissertation, and I think I need a distraction.  I love history with all my heart, but I have another great love: sitting on the couch, watching TV.  Also reading, but that's a lot more respectable, and hence a lot less funny.  I'll talk about other stuff too (movies, general pop culture) but mostly TV.

So join me (or not, whatevs) as I talk about my favorite TV shows: the good (Game! Of Thrones!) the comfort-food (Law and Order: SVU) (shut up), and the middling-to-terrible (Smash, why do you suck so much?)

Things I'm capable of, and those I'm not.

Things I can't do off the top of my head:

1) Multiplication

2) Tell my right from my left

3) Division

4) Addition or subtraction with numbers larger than 5 

5) Not get lost, even in familiar places

6) Math

Things I can do off the top of my head:

1) Answer Star Wars-based trivia questions.

2) Answer Harry Potter-based trivia questions.

3) Answer Hunger Games-based trivia questions.

4) Explain the very real social issues grappled with on Downton Abbey.

5) Make tacos.

I'd rate my usefulness to humanity at about a 4.